Before we even begin to delve into the world of BDSM, titles and terms protocols etc, we must begin with the first and most common terms I will be using within this Series.
- Kitten/Babygirl/Princess: These terms refer to a Submissive female who has or is interested in finding a “Daddy Dominant.”
- Daddy Dominant: Unlike the millions who would have you believe otherwise Daddy Dominant has nothing to do with incest. Not all Dominants are Daddy’s however. We will go into this further in the series.
For ease I will be using the terms “She” and “her” “Him” and “He” only.
The first and most important parts of any BDSM/KINK relationship are SSC and RACK.
Both of these revolve around communication, understanding, trust, faith and respect.
SSC: Safe Sane and Consensual and RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink
It’s hard to discuss these two topics without discussing abuse in BDSM relationships but I shall do my best not to digress to often.
Any responsible Dominant will be certain to go through the protocols with his potential submissive before any actual play has begun. Before she submits to him even one time they will have this conversation.
- What’s acceptable?
- What is not acceptable?
- What are your KINKS?
- What are you willing to try?
- What is absolutely never going to happen?
- Are you willing to push past your boundaries to try something you never considered, at least one time?
Most importantly, above all, What is your safe word? Mine is Banana, many however choose to use RED.
Green for “Yes please don’t stop. Oh my God keep going.” Yellow for “I’m a little afraid but yes keep going.” Red for “STOP RIGHT NOW!”
I use Banana because it’s such a strange word to be using while play that sometimes if a Dominant has lost control using a word he would not normally expect to be hearing during KINK play can bring him back from the edge. It is rare for a well trained Dominant to lose his control however.
A Dominant who ignores the safe-word, even one time is one to be watched carefully. A habit of ignoring the safe word can lead to abuse very quickly.
A SSC and RACK based relationship usually has a contract. Some relationships have a time limit. Others however are indefinite. Some relationships are strictly left to KINK play. Others are between a husband/wife boyfriend/girlfriend husband and husband wife and wife etc.
Each relationship is unique because relationships are unique. What happens between a Dominant and a Submissive are between them and them alone. Other’s are not allowed input.
Some Dominants will share or “Swing” with their Submissives but this will be covered in the Contract.
The Contract is not legally binding. Abuse is abuse is abuse. The problem with BDSM relationships is that abuse is difficult to define.
Some women enjoy being slapped in the face during rough sex. At what point however does one decide that the Dominant has crossed from foreplay or sex play into abuse? When the safe word has been called.
The moment that the safe word has been called out and ignored it becomes abuse. Ignoring the safe word once may be an accident, even twice. If a submissive however has called out her safe word more than three or four times and still the Dominant has not stopped then we are entering a very dark area. He may have lost control or worse, he never had it to begin wtih.
We use SSC and RACK, Contracts and Safe words to keep the submissives safe. We also use them to keep the Dominants safe.
A Dominant’s responsibility is never ending. It is his job to ensure the safety and well being of his submissive, at the same time just like anyone they are human and sometimes can lose control. These instances can cause as much harm to the Dominant as it can to the Submissive.
A Dominant who accidentally loses control will always have the memory of terror and fear he has given his submissive. It breaks the trust, it breaks the faith the Submissive has in her Dominant to keep her safe. It can damage the relationship but more importantly it can damage the psyche.
Knowing he has hurt his Submissive can prevent him from ever being comfortable playing again – more importantly the guilt and shame can leak into other areas of his life.
A Healthy Submissive and a Healthy Dominant can do wonderful things together. The healthiest couples I know of both see counselors in order to have a third party mitigate any fears and to protect each other from hard feelings or resentments.
Most of the happiest couples I know work hard at communication before play time even begins. I cannot stress this enough. Communication must come before the first blind fold is wrapped around her head, and the first crop is ever held in hand.
Many Dominants will spend a great deal of time as a Submissive themselves so that they can understand not only their own limits, but what pain feels like.
A Dominant who has never tried being a Submissive is not a Trained Dominant. My personal Preference is always to play only with Trained Dominants. After nearly fifteen years of these relationships I know the signs to look for more importantly I know what “I” am looking for in a Dominant.
Before you even begin sitting down with a Dominant ask yourself what it is you are looking for. What is it you think that BDSM will bring to your life that you do not already have?
Have I missed anything? Did You see something I think I should correct, or touch more on? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below.
Join me on Sunday Evenings for #SynDay where we will discuss KINK, RACK SSC and Contracts this week.
All my love,