Ascension by Devon J Hall
The first name people came to know me as online was “SynDenial”. Over the years several hundred people asked me what that meant, why I had chosen that. I only chose it because I thought it sounded sexy. However, as it happens, I grew into the name. I spent a lot of years believing that the pain and suffering I was going through was in fact because God thought I was a sinner and deserved to suffer.
It was only in the early months of twenty-Seventeen that I began to realize that I was living a life based on the ideas of other people. I wasn’t living my life for me, but instead for others – I was so focused on pretending that I didn’t care how others thought about me, that I didn’t stop to think what “I” thought of me.
I’ve since changed my name, and am in the process of doing so legally. I decided that if I didn’t have family and friends that support and love me as I am, then they don’t deserve to be my family and friends anymore.
Ascension by Devon J Hall is all about the rediscovery of self, while simultaneously trying to help inspire others to discover who they are.
I’m proud of how far I have come from a girl filled with guilt and shame to a woman filled with pride at the fact that she’s survived. There have been some rough days, and there will always be days that aren’t so great, but I intend to instead focus on the good things in life. I intend to learn to take better care of myself and hope that you. If by any chance anything I do or say inspires you to consider taking better care of yourself, then that would be a most welcome outcome.
I have lived in poverty my entire life, and for the first time I am beginning to see a future for myself that I never expected, and never in a million years would have imagined was possible.
I volunteer at an amazing college radio station, CJSF and while radio has always been a part of that dream, it’s not something that I get paid to do – for the first time in my life, I am doing something purely because I truly just love doing it.
I struggle with anxiety, I struggle with depression and survivors guilt, I often feel as if my life doesn’t matter and isn’t important while simultaneously calling bullshit on others who feel that way. My life IS important, my life DOES matter, my life IS worth living for, and the dreams I have for my future are worth fighting for.
In all honesty, it’s my dog that keeps me alive, without Mister Sweetface, I would have killed myself years ago. This giant black pup keeps me going every day, simply because he exists and he needs me.
I am finally living my life for myself, trying to deal with the issues of my past, while simultaneously trying to create a network, a tribe of people who support me, recognizing that many of the people I have loved and supported are not willing to be equally supportive is really hard.
Before you enter this website you should know I am strong as hell and I will never quit fighting for my own life, sometimes I make mistakes, but I will always try to be better, I will always try to fight against my demons…Are you with me?
If you are feeling alone and isolated, I promise you I am here for you. I am here to talk, to listen, to share my stories and hear yours. You are not alone, I love you, even though we’ve never met, even though we will probably never meet, I love you, purely because you are human.
Sending as much love as you need, in hopes, you’ll accept and share it as much as you can,