So the kids are back in school tomorrow; I don’t know about you but when I was in school, the bullies were vicious. One girl actually tried to light my curls on fire, another boy kicked me when I was on crutches so I would fall into the boys bathroom. I was sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused and in those days, in each case I was found at fault. “Grade eight girls will be grade eight girls” my vice principal had said to me.

Perhaps that was true, perhaps grade eight girls are just mean girls, but I had been abused by these same people my entire life, from the moment I was first molested, it was like these guys knew something was different about me, that I was somehow broken, because almost the day after, the bullying began.

I think that’s why I spent so many years believing that being abused was my fault, that the bullying which would later ensue was punishment for letting myself be abused.

I’ve stayed quiet mostly on the latest school shooting because so many of you have already said everything I can say. Here’s something some of you haven’t said though;

Even after everything those kids, teachers and parents put me through, never once did it occur to me to get a gun and shoot everyone, never once did the idea of “revenge” seem possible.

Now, if you’ve been a long time reader of my blog you know I am far more normal than I have any right to be, but even after everything I’ve been through, it wasn’t easy to be the nice person.

If you follow my social media, you know I spend a lot of time promoting other people because of how they inspire me or make me think, teach me or make me smile. People are constantly surprised that I am a “nice” person which makes no sense to me, because I’ve always been nice. It’s rare to see my true full anger and rage, and the few that have did not stick around long after.

I can be one of the meanest people on the planet when I’m hurt – I’m like my dog that way, there is no comforting a passionate Aries when she is pissed off, the best solution is to walk away slowly and run at the earliest opportunity. And even in my most enraged worst version of myself, the idea of picking up a weapon wouldn’t even be on the list of things that I would do to engage revenge on my enemies.

I have always believed my strongest weapon is my truth, my absolute honest truth, and I have to the best of my ability used that when I’ve needed to.

So here’s what gets me, actually, there are two things;

  1. Why is the NRA so angry about people wanting background checks?
  2. Why is “mental health” blamed for these problems?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there are billions of people on this planet who have mental health issues, men women and children who have been raped, children in Syria who live in war zones, lots of people have mental health issues and don’t pick up a fucking gun to take another life.

Now onto my first and probably most obvious gripe, first off let me tell the National Rifle Association, to go fuck itself. No one is trying to take away your guns, they are requesting background checks for those who are trying to buy guns, and you refusing to back down on that issue makes me incredibly curious as to why.

What are you hiding? It’s a statistical fact that when someone refuses to answer a basic question, it’s because they are hiding something. I can only imagine the secrets hiding in your closets; but here’s the thing, if you have nothing to hide, asking for well-rounded background checks to ensure the safety of the citizens in your country shouldn’t be a problem.

If you are a legal gun owner who practices legal and ethical gun safety if you are mentally sound and keep your guns away from the hands of children, why do you care if the ones who are not as brilliantly knowledgeable and safe as you?

The NRA no matter how much it likes to think it is is not actually a government organization, they are a lobbying group – they spend millions of dollars to promote their agendas, they have infiltrated every single layer of government not just in America but across the globe.

They are a white supremacist group, who whether they admit it or not, believe one hundred percent that “White is Right” and do not dare come back to me with “but we have black friends” no fuck you.

I don’t actually care if you’re a conservative, you can be a conservative and be a nice person, you can be a conservative who believes that gender and orientation are not important when it comes to love and marriage.

You can be a conservative and not be a complete fucking dick, but somewhere along the line, the “conservative” people of the world started to believe their own press. They started to think that their lives matter more than the rest of us, and are genuinely fighting to survive – the fight for supremacy ended with the death of Heather Hayer.

What we are seeing now is the Conservatives of the world not fighting for power, but fighting for survival and it might be small of me, but I feel pettily happy about it. Is that wrong?

I am pretty proud as I sit back and I watch, of how many people are raising their voices and sharing their truth, of how many people are finally realizing that just talking about it isn’t enough. These kids that are travelling from one school to another by foot? That’s not something my generation would have ever done.

When we were growing up, we were told that we were the generation that would change the world, that technology would help us do that, and I guess at the time I never really considered that a reality that would be something I’d see, yet here I am seeing it.

All the people my age who were told they were going to change the world did so by having kids, by teaching their kids how to share their stories, how to raise their voices, this generation is the one that is going to change the world as a by-product of the 90s kids and it’s pretty fucking amazing to see.

If you step back for a moment, close your eyes and listen, you can hear the sound of Angels whispering in your ear, promising you that no matter how hard this journey is going to be, the end result, the person you will become is exactly the person that you are supposed to be.

I think people are starting to realize that now, and with that said, now it’s time for me to sit back and listen.

I don’t know when I’ll write the next post on this blog, but this time I honestly mean it when I say I am going on hiatus. I didn’t realize that’s where this post was going, but for now, I think I need to write for myself, I need to rediscover my passions and actually live my life again. I’ve spent a few weeks mourning, and if I let myself I could mourn for the rest of my life.

I loved a man from afar and pushed him away because I was afraid he would break my heart, he was murdered and that’s really hard to forget. I got to say goodbye to him, in our own weird strange way it was a goodbye, and while I will never forget how wonderful, kind and loving he was, I don’t have to live in darkness in order to honour his existence. In fact, I think that’s the last thing he would want, I think he would want me to be happy because when he was alive that was all he ever wanted.

So for a little while, I am on hiatus, if you want to stay in contact with me, you can leave a comment here and I’ll try to respond, or you can find me on Twitter @DevonJHall, or subscribe to my newsletter.

Thank you for supporting me, for reading this blog, for loving me. It means the world to me that you have stuck with me, and I promise my hiatus won’t be long, it’ll just be as long as I need it to be.

I am sending all my love in hopes you spread it around to those who need it,

 

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