Before we get started I am about to post something that I did not write – how I found it does not matter, and the name of the unidentified author does not matter. I have my suspicions and I am sure you will to – I will delete any post that attempts in any way to try and “out” the author.
This was posted anonymously for a reason, please attempt to respect that. Without further ado here is a post that completely shattered my heart.
First of all, I would just like to say that being closeted is the hardest part of being in the spotlight, especially when one is famous for their “looks.”
I am an American film actor and I have been pretty much inside of the fragile wardrobe for some time now…
I wasn’t “gay” or “into men” persay throughout my whole career or life for that matter. Only did I realize a few years ago that my attraction towards men grew and grew over a period of time and from friendly grazes did it turn into something more with malice. I’ve only ever had relations of the romantic sort with men possibly once or twice in my whole life (and it’s been just as exhilarating with women) and was one of those regretful “one night only” incidents I could never ever speak of again.
Away from that, I am of American descent and an actor and more than anything, I love my job with a passion, so much so that even up until now, I still don’t have the heart to come out despite being one of the few “straight” activists for the community.
The public as far as I’m aware of has made zero rumors of my sexuality, seeing as how I’ve been caught dating quite a lot of women in the span of only a decade. This (I’m not even sure at this point if I should be thankful that the media doesn’t take notice of this) dating “spree” of mine if you must is really genuine and I do feel attraction to women; quite a lot.
With that being said, I never went publicly about my supposed “bisexuality.” And yes, I do believe I am bisexual (I’ve only come to realize it around the mid-2000’s if I recall correctly) and am completely proud of it.
But being proud does not equate committing what is arguably “career suicide.” I never felt like I needed role models in terms of sexuality since I felt extremely comfortable in my own skin and felt zero self-hate with this feeling growing up (my family has been extremely supportive and having siblings who were gay helped), its just that I can’t tell the world about this and risk my life’s work be ruined.
I have starred in a lot of action movies that have been recently on trend with what teenagers love to watch and that further amplifies my guilt. Being a closeted man with a fan base comprised of women of all ages (possibly due to the fact that I am also a leading man in many romantic comedy’s) and teenagers of both sexes, I feel like it is a responsibility to be an inspiration for these kids to be free and be who they want to be especially since I play a character in my most well-known movies that portrays everything an American man should be.
But in Hollywood, you just can’t pretend like everything will be fine and dandy the moment you come out and start to promote the community to the society. I’d risk losing half of my fan base and the movies that I’d be offered to if I came out. My manager who is also one of my best buds has always supported me in my personal decisions but has constantly warned me that if I do attempt to come out, sadly, I should do it when my career starts to dwindle and right now my career is at its peak and according to my team, right now (coming out) my “profile” would be extremely boosted but I would most probably lose about 10+ film offers with massive paychecks and big names to boot.
Right now, I am dating a charming and hilarious woman, and I am very much in love with her (and yes, she knows and is fully accepting of it). However, I still can’t come to terms with the fact that I can’t tell the world of my true identity and its been hurting my relationship with her over the past few months.
I’d consider myself someone you would never suspect to have an attraction to men since I grew up in a very sports-oriented family. That being said I do love theater and grew up into it with my sisters and brother, which was a place that really opened my mind even as a child. In my almost two decades-long career I have yet to come across a rumor about my sexuality and for some time it fueled my desire to support the community since it only came off as me being “open-minded and extremely likable.”
The only people who know are my team, my best friends and my family.
I just truly hope that one of these days, I still get to do what I love with the same amount of effort and support from my fans despite not being able to tell them the truth of who I am. I love all of you and please please despite not being honest with all of you, please love yourself and be who you are.
I remember being that person, the person who told someone not to come out. I will never forget looking at that boy and telling him to keep his mouth shut – the fact was that I was terrified of how my bullies would treat this boy who was always nice to me. I was afraid of how they would react, they hated me because of the colour of my skin, how could I trust they would be kinder to him.
Ironically they were kinder, and I turned out to be the bad guy, rightfully so. I told someone not to be their full selves because I was afraid of how the world would react. I remember that encounter very clearly – if not the name of the boy in question. You know what I remember most? Never once telling that person that “I” loved them regardless.
There are a few things that piss me off about this letter so I am going to do my best to break them down for you, and maybe for myself so I can understand why reading this angered me so fucking much.
- Someone has been told that if they tell the world who they truly are, they will be punished.
- someone else (several someones is) benefiting from someone pretending to be something they are not.
- someone is afraid to come out because they’ve been warned they will be punished and forced to face the consequences of saying “this is who I am”.
Acting in of itself, the ability to bring a written character to life is a gift, to do it well, convincingly that ensures that no matter which character you are, the audience is able to lose themselves is a God-given gift, one that is incredibly rare. Only a handful of people can vanish into a character entirely. Less than that can do it more than once. I cannot begin to imagine what your job must be like, pretending to be someone else literally, in this case, every moment of the day. I ask you this when was the last time you were able to be your “True” self, one hundred percent whole without feeling ashamed and or afraid?
It is a shame that reaching success means you need to sacrifice so much of yourself, “but that’s the way it is,” if the last three years have not proven anything to the world I don’t really know what possibly could.
The world spent eons remaining in discourse because we refused or were unable to speak up, to change the way that things used to be. We’ve come a long way, but if someone has to keep hiding because of any reason that we still have a long way to go.
If everyone around me said, “sure you can come out and tell the world but you’re going to lose money, fans and fame for it…” I’d be afraid too and fuck you all for encouraging anyone who is clearly in pain to remain quiet.
Do you know what happens when people are told to keep their mouths shut? To pretend to be something they are not? To be less than themselves? They die.
This is not fear mongering, it’s not even a warning it’s the absolute proven truth. The more you tell a person that they will be punished for being honest – regardless of what that might truth might be, you have set them on a path of thinking they are not as good are not safe. The moment you begin to force someone to question their safety you hold an un-consensual power over them and that my friends, make you part of the problem if not the abuser.
“You portray this kind of Character, and if you tell the world you’re bi-sexual they won’t believe it anymore.” I think we’re beyond that, aren’t we? Haven’t we proven this time and time again? Hundreds of women have come out as gay, lesbian, transgender and even bisexual and we didn’t blink an eye. So why would we do the same when a man does it? Because my friends, we still have this fucked up belief that women can be whatever they want but men have to be strong and “manly” It’s time, past time to get over that shit.
If a woman is a woman regardless of the parts she was born with than a man is a man regardless of who that man loves. Full Fucking Stop!
There are a lot of terrible people out there that will hate this person should they decide to come out, there will be death threats, hatred spewed and a lot of negativity. There will also be love, hope, the belief that if the big beefy American Rom-Com star can actually be human. How amazing is that? To know that you could be the person who inspires a young bi-sexual boy who’s told he’s not good enough as he is, that maybe he could be you one day.
What a heavy responsibility lay on your shoulders – if you say nothing you are afraid if you step up and say something you are then responsible for the reaction of all the fans around the world. The path you have chosen, being an “Actor” is these days, become more about being a Legacy, a bright shining star in a world sprinkled with darkness. If you become as successful as you say, then you are a beacon to all who want to walk in your footsteps. I can understand why someone in this situation would be afraid.
So rather than jump on the bandwagon of “yeah you should probably stay your mouth shut and keep the money,” I’ll say this; Love yourself.
You mention in your letter, that keeping this secret has caused some angst in your current relationship – the inability to be your full self. I ask you this if it is not serving your best true self, what purpose is it serving? At the end of the day, this decision is about following your heart.
If your heart is happy, then you are exactly where you are meant to be, if however by any stretch of the imagination, you look into your heart and you see pain, darkness, shame or regret, then you need to deal with it. In whichever way serves you best.
To all the young men out there, who think being bi-sexual makes you less of a man, I am really glad to be the one to tell you this is not the case. I would say if you believe are you’re Bi-Sexual it means that you don’t see gender as a factor to love, and as far as I am concerned I think that’s pretty fucking evolved of you.
People think that “bisexual” is less about sex than people make it out to be – being attracted to someone means you are stimulated by them but it does not necessarily mean sexually stimulated. I have many wonderful men and women that I am emotionally attached to, or intellectually challenged by, all of the people in my life “stimulate” something, but it is not necessarily sexual. Often times it has more to do with the way their brain works than what vessel that brain is in.
So if all you can focus on is the “sex” or “gender” part of a relationship, maybe it’s you that’s not quite in the right. Sex is not just about mating, or making babies – it’s about creating a connection between two (or more) people, it’s about the entire world falling away because two people are intertwined in the most intimate way possible.
For the record, there are a lot of famous celebrities who are bisexual or gay that I still fantasize about sexually – I mean can we talk about Luke Evans? That man can and has proven repeatedly, play literally any character and he’s sexy in every single one of them. He has had a massively successful career.
He hasn’t won as many awards as he deserves but very few people can be the enigmatic mask that man can be and have you seen those lips?! Dear Christ, if attraction really is all about gender I’m shit out of luck, but I’m okay with that. A girl can dream regardless of what his sexual orientation is, and believe me, this girl does…a lot.
Women have come a long way since 2007, we’ve had an evolutionary leap forward, you can look back and see the proof over the last nine years, we have come a very, very long way. If we are to be as evolved as we say we are than when a male Actor shares his emotions and feelings, when he says “I’m not what you think I am, I am this person instead” we must be just as loving and accepting as we are when it is one of the many in our sisterhood.
When someone is being truly authentic we must applaud them, not shame them, regardless of their status or the size of their star. We must love each other equally, with just as much joy and celebration as we expect for ourselves because anything less is a falsity to everything we claim we want for our daughters.
Whatever you decide to do Anonymous writer, I’d support you, for whatever it might be worth.
Here’s to the Queers, those in and outside of the closet, who see past the vessel to the soul, who see past the physical and beyond to where love really exists. To each and every one of you, in whichever way you choose to show your true selves, I salute you. I salute you, I am humbled by you and I thank you.
Sending all my love to those who still feel they need to hide, even just a little bit,
P.S Rock God David Bowey, as well as Prince, were both openly Bisexual, they most certainly were not “less than” as men. They simply were, they understood that love was not about the vessel, it’s beyond the vessel. So did, by the way…Carry Grant!