Never Again

Several months ago my lovely friend (and seriously bad ass Inspirational Love yourself Mentor) Diane, from Elevate Love asked me what my “brand” was about.

I didn’t have an answer then and I don’t have one now. I don’t know if I have a “Blogger Brand” – I don’t know what I want this blog to be about, but what I do know is that I never again want to write about my ex-boyfriend.

He has had storage in my brain for the last ten years. He’s given me memories filled with fear, shame, guilt, frustration, exhaustion and basically every negative emotion a survivor can feel.

He doesn’t get any more space in my brain, and he sure as fuck doesn’t get any space here.

This is my place to purge all the things good and bad that are going on in my life and my brain, it’s my sanctuary. So I will never again write about him here. He absolutely does not get to control me anymore.

I want a life filled with laughter, light, hope, and fun.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t be talking about how abuse affected me, or how I am dealing with the result, it doesn’t mean that I am going to stop trying to really get better and healthy it just means that I’m not wrapping every decision I make based on the experience I had with it. (By “It” I mean the abusive shit that I used to think I loved.)

This was a person who was my very first boyfriend – that leaves a mark, not just because he was my boyfriend, but because he was my first boyfriend – he should have treated me like gold instead he decided to chew me up and spit me back out into the world. All these years I’ve been wrapping every decision I make around that one singular time in my life.

That pattern has caused me nothing but pain and I’m over it, I’m over being miserable, depressed and afraid all the time. So I am going to live my life in the way that I want my children to be proud of – I am going to live a life filled with the laughter and joy that I want.

I expect there will be some blowback from him, for the decisions that I have made lately but I’ll deal with that and worry about it when it comes.

I just read an article about a man who was once a convicted felon, he changed his life around and just when he had the chance to get a job, he chose to jump off a bus and save a life, instead of going to his job interview.

I hope and pray that “It” will change his life around, I really do hope that he finds it in himself to be the man he used to tell me that he wanted to be, nothing, however, will change what he did. No matter what he does with his life, he has to live with the fact that he killed his would be son, that he set out every single day to hurt me, he has to live with it but I do not.

I don’t deserve to live with guilt or shame or fear any longer, I do not deserve to be haunted by the memories of what he did to me, so I refuse to. I am going to do my best to get better and move on, to let go of how “I” feel about what happened.

This may not be the last time I think about him, but it is most certainly the last time I will give him space in my heart, my mind or my blog. This is MY space, and he can’t have it any longer.

Here’s to a phenomenal new life, without shame, guilt, fear or negativity.

Who’s with me?

dev

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