So you may have noticed, that I’ve not really been posting much. I’m not sick, I promise. In reality, I’ve been focused on not one but two different books, one for free and one I hope to have published.
The first is called “The Spiritualist’s Guide to the Universe” and the second is “My Life of Syn and Denial”.
It’s the second one that is getting me down, and stressing me out, it’s hard because I’m writing about my life, and the more I write the more I am recovering memories I had long ago filed away – and they aren’t pretty rainbow shitting unicorn memories either.
They are sad and painful, and it’s been a really emotional couple of weeks for me.
My friend Rachel recently started a #WhySurvivorsDontReport hashtag and I have to tell you, it surprised me to realize that I am still really fucking angry at Father Alex.
I can say that I am Angry At Father Alex Bouchard from St. James Roman Catholic Church. I’ve been holding onto that since I was nine years old – for twenty-five years I’ve been holding onto the pain of a nine-year-old little girl.
All that little girl wanted and needed was for someone to hug her close and say “no, of course, you won’t go to hell, it’s not your fault.” Instead, the man who I believed at the time, was closer to God than I ever thought I could be, made the trauma even worse, he destroyed my life.
I will never receive a dime from the church, I will never receive an apology for the fact that when Father Alex had the opportunity to reach out and help me, he chose to emotionally scar me for my life. I am fucking angry because my life could have been different.
If he had only asked me if something had happened, or told someone that I was asking about child abuse in a classroom full of students, if only he’d given enough of a fuck to be the man he was SUPPOSED to be, the man that I was always promised a Priest was, then maybe my life would have turned out differently.
My Goddess, it feels amazing to say that, to open up and speak about the pain that the Catholic Church caused me. I’m not over it, I have to figure out a way to right that in my head, and I am not certain I can, which is why I am starting #YANAChat.
On Thursday Nights at 6 PM PST – 9 PM EST to 7 PM PST – 10 PM PST I will be reaching out to others, to ask how they have learned to deal with the struggles that come from abuse.
Whether it’s emotional, physical or sexual we all have patterns we lean upon when we are suffering, especially when we’re in the middle of a depression or anxiety attack, and now I am asking for your help to spread my message and join me every Thursday on Twitter.
Teach me, tell me how YOU deal with the dark thoughts, negativity and colossal insanity that comes with living with depression and anxiety. I am really looking forward to connecting with others and learning, so hopefully, I’ll see you on Thursday.