Rachel Said I Had To Write This

So today I had a complete and total breakdown. Crying, and praying, asking God why I was going to hell, Why was I being punished.

Someone asked me the other day how I feel about Father Alex Bouchard being dead, and when I really think about it, I responded with, I’m angry as hell.

I can say that I am a Spiritualist and no longer a Catholic, but the truth is that the thoughts and prayers of that nine-year-old little girl are still there, inside my head.

I am starting to remember more and more about that year, about the things Father Alex said and did, about the way he spoke to me, especially after he knew I’d been abused.

It’s okay, I am not going to die because I had one break down in two or three years. I am okay, it’s not easy – Rachel says I’m not weak for having broken down – and I don’t think that is what is bothering me.

It’s not that I feel weak, I am not frustrated with that – I know this is a normal part of the healing process. Events, situations, and memories come to light, and when they finally do they come in a burst that is hard to deal with all at once. It’s overwhelming,

I think it’s more that it was just shocking. I have been without realizing it, forcing myself to talk about the past, about what Father Alex did and how his words traumatized me because I know I have to let it out. I can’t hold onto that secret anymore, not just to help myself but to help others.

The issue I believe stems from the fact that I thought I was a lot further in my healing process, so I didn’t realize I was still holding on so tightly to my feelings. That’s what is bothering me, that I deliberately started talking about it slowly, trying to be patient with myself, but once I opened the floodgates, I couldn’t hold it back.

I know that what Father Alex did to me does not quite compare with the young girls and boys that were raped for years by men of the cloth.

I know that you cannot compare the damage that abuse creates,  but I also know that telling a nine-year-old who’s just been molested that she’s going to hell for her carnal thoughts and actions, regardless of the girl’s position in the matter, is traumatizing.

“If you participate in carnal thoughts and actions, regardless of the girl’s position in the matter, you will go to hell.” – Father Alex Bouchard, St. James, Roman Catholic Church, Calgary

It caused life long trauma – every time I was abused, every time a man hit me or sexually abused me (usually both at the same time) I was convinced that I had caused some great sin to be let into the world, I was so convinced of this fact that I held in details and stories that could have gotten me, someone, the right kind of help.

He prevented me from speaking out and sent me down a path of what today is still considered sin and debauchery worth of a trip to hell.

The Catholic Priests teach “No Exceptions” when it comes to Sin, by spreading that message, by that rule of thinking, no person is ever going to get to Heaven. Every person on earth is going to hell because YOU the Catholic Teaches that there are zero exceptions when it comes to what does and what does not include the art of Sin.

How on earth is a nine-year-old child supposed to live up to that? Twenty-five years later and even though I swear I will never again enter a Catholic Church, I am still afraid that God will send me to hell.

I am more afraid of this idea of the Hell that the Priests and Nuns have created – and used to traumatize children like me – than I am of God having me hit by a bus or killed by a psychopath.

My faith in God is so ingrained, that I believed the Priests who told me I had to behave a certain way, who told me I had no choice. God’s word was law and it was the Priests who were closer to God than anyone other than the Pope himself, who was it was taught, the Human Guard of God’s will here on Earth.

Jesus, you people really fucked me up. I am irrevocably fucked up because of the lessons of the Church, because of Father Alex Bouchard.

It never occurred to me that the Catholic Church is just as much of a cult as Jones Town or the Polygamists who call themselves Latter Day Saints.

Jesus, I am totally fucked up – and by people I mean, you, the Priests, the Teachers and Nuns and parents peddling this bullshit. You are seriously fucking up your kids with their bullshit, and what’s worse is that you’re paying for your children to be traumatized, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m not saying don’t believe in God – absolutely do. I think a belief in a higher power that helps bring your stormy heart peace is wonderful. By all means, believe in God – I do. I’m not ashamed of saying that anymore.

You know what I’m ashamed of? I’m ashamed that I let a bunch of idiot priests tell me that I was going to hell, I’m ashamed that for so long I hid in the dark, instead of believing that if God’s love is truly most high and most powerful, then nothing can really hurt me, because even when it’s dark he’s still there.

Even when I feel scared and alone, he’s still there, and I don’t need any Priest telling me they are the expert on being a kid or being a good person, because every Priest in the Roman Catholic Church – every single one of them, at some point in their careers protect these abusers.

They protect and defend these horrible men and women who rape, beat and emotionally scar and traumatize innocent children, because “it’s their job”. Their Duty to the Vatican is first and foremost – to the point that Priests gave up the right to get married just so that the Vatican didn’t have to dole out their last belongings and money, but could instead keep it for themselves.

Are you kidding me? When did man give up faith in God for the faith in man? That’s the day we lost our soul. The day we let these “Men of God” destroy our children with images of death and demons and blood and brimstone.

When “Men of God,” tell boys they can do whatever they want because women must submit to man, and shame women for being sexually abused by those boys because we were taught to suffer, and boys were taught to take.

Whenever it was that humans started putting “Men of God” above “God’s little Angel’s”, that’s the day the human soul died.

That’s how I feel, how’d I do?

Devon J Hall



3 thoughts on “Rachel Said I Had To Write This

  1. Oh this breaks my heart! According to your priest then we are all going to hell because sin is sin and we are all, every single one of us, sinners. Bullshit! Jesus paid the ultimate price for our sins. He has already been to hell and back to save us from this fate. So why oh why would a priest ever say that? I do not normally get on my Christian soap box but this just angered me to no end! I hurt for that little girl and I hurt for the woman still carrying the scars from that stupid ass priest. I know my God is a loving, forgiving, and merciful God. His heart was broken by what was both done and said to you. I hope you are able to move beyond this place of overwhelm and lean on your faith and belief in your God and use this as an opportunity to grow and heal. Blessings!

  2. I think of the saying, “Give ’em Hell.” and here you are, fighting to take the Hell they gave you and throw it back in their face saying, “No! You keep this load of crap. You conned me into carrying it for you for far too long. Keep it and live in its stink if you must, but I refuse.” Brava!

Share your Syns

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s