No I do not need compassion – I need A reason to keep fighting

Screenshot_15My friend and inspiration Rachel Thompson posted this today and it matters. It is hugely important to note that the troll and abuse she is referring to is someone who accused Rachel of seeking attention when she created the “#WhySurvivorsDontReport” hashtag on Twitter.

Now you all know I love Rachel, I worship at the feet of the pedestal I have put her on, but as I said on Twitter, and as I reiterate here, I do not need compassion.

I don’t need nor do I want, people looking at me with pity or empathy. I don’t need nor want people telling me they are sorry when I share my story. Why are you sorry? Did you rape me? Did you give my ex-boyfriend the drugs that made him decide to kill his unborn child and believe it was a good idea? No. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, so stop fucking apologizing. Stop feeling sorry for me.

I don’t want you to be sorry, I don’t want you to be compassionate, I want you to be active.

I want you to get up off your lazy ass and do what no one else is doing. Call your elected officials, demand that police officers receive proper victim training, tell them that a cop should NEVER tell a victim she should “Stay home so you’ll be safe instead of going out where he can hunt you down.”

Because no victim ever, has ever been attacked by a former lover or friend, or colleague in her own home – yeah that has never happened ever before.

I want my elected officials to know that I am gunning for them, that for every day I breathe I will never forget the fact that an RCMP officer who was supposed to protect me, called me to tell me that “if you go near him, it will be you going to jail.” Yeah, seriously? Fuck you.

I don’t need compassion, I need a motherfucking army of supporters. I need people willing to stand by me when I take on Justin Trudeau’s policy of passing the buck, of pretending that what is happening to women in our country is not his issue to deal with.

I need to stop feeling like I am at fault – I need to stop feeling guilty and ashamed because of crimes I did not commit, I need to know that when I walk out my door I will be safe because my neighbors will be looking out for me – the way our grandparents used to look out for each other.

I need every single boy, and man to believe that women should be protected against sexual abuse and I Need to stop being fucking shamed for finally having the courage to ask for help only to be shot the fuck down.

I don’t need your god damn compassion, I need you to defend me I need to know that MY life matters as much as your daughters, your wives, sisters, cousins, aunts, and grandmothers. I need the press to step up and start giving victims of sexual abuse as much emphasis as possible so that those who feel that they are too afraid to ask for help get a big fucking sign that screams at them from the front page of their newspapers.

I need Journalists to talk about sexual abuse, as often if not more than they do about what a fucking flaming idiot Donald Trump is.

I don’t need compassion, I need to know I’m not alone. I need someone to step up and say “Jesus Devon’s been through a lot, and she’s strong as hell but inside she’s still screaming in pain and she needs help.” I need someone to give a fuck and to take action.

The last thing I need is compassion – compassion is a hug, and frankly, a hug isn’t going to make me feel better.

It’s not going to take my nightmares away, it’s sure as fuck not going to send Jaxson to jail because he’s too busy laughing at all the shit he did and the fact that he got away with it.

I don’t need compassion. I need an army.

Being compassionate is easy, anyone can say “I’m sorry” those words are hollow to a victim however, they don’t mean shit because sadly they do not take awya the pain or the nightmares away, they don’t take away the fear that it could happen again – especially when it does.

Compassion doesn’t reset your brain and remind you that you deserve better, it just means that there is one more person feeling sorry for you. If I am honest, and I usually am feeling pretty honest, I am fucking angry.

I am angry that Trudeu’s office “does not think this is an issue for the Prime Minister to deal with.” I am angry that RCMP cops in District one are so fucking new that they have no idea how to deal with a victim – especially since the Whalley Area, has more sexual assault issues than pretty much anywhere else in the lower mainland.

I am fucking angry, because you saying I am sorry is not the same as my abuser facing justice. I am angry because in the eyes of the Government of Canada, in the eyes of the Government of Surrey BC, I don’t fucking matter.

I’m just another poor black bitch whining about how bad my life is while I sit on my fat ass collecting free money.

The ironic thing is, that had I had ANYONE to care about me when I was a child, had ANYONE fought for me I could have been more. I could have had a future but instead I am now stuck unwraveling the damage of abusers that I never asked for.

I now have a life fucking sentance, because I will have to spend EVERY day of my life, tryng to find one more reason to stay alive, one more reason to keep fighting for my life, and to be honest with you, I’m tired as hell.

Yes Rachel I love you and I know what you meant, but no I don’t need compassion. Compassion won’t fix me. Better laws, better trained police officers and well funded programs to help Victims, that will help me.

Devon J Hall

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