It’s the day after the Tuesday #SexAbuseChat, how are you today? Are you okay? Are you huddled in bed, waiting for the day to be over so you can go back to sleep? Or are you excited at the prospect of a brand new start?!
I am not asking because I want you to give me an answer, I am asking because I want you to answer for yourself. How are you feeling? Are you having a good day? Have you had your cup of coffee, and do you have a reason to smile? Or are you waking up to the world in a shitty mood wanting to go back to the sweet gentle embrace of sleep?
For those of you who have taken the step of participating in the amazing #SexAbuseChat with the phenomenal Bobbi and Rachel I imagine one of two scenarios;
- You’re happy because you took the step to come forward and reach out to others who have been through what you’re dealing with. You’re feeling good because you finally feel like you aren’t alone. There are others like you.
- Or alternatively, you are feeling like shit because there are so many of us talking about how far we have come and you haven’t figured out how to heal yet. You might, even if you only admit it to yourself, are feeling a little bit jealous and resentful because we make it sound so fucking easy.
I understand exactly how you feel. When I first met Rachel that’s exactly what I thought. “Well fuck, what does she know? She’s famous and everyone loves her, and she makes everything seem so effortless and easy.” Except that now that I am slowly crossing the border of “holy fucking hell my life sucks and I wish I was dead because no one loves me anyways, so what the fuck does it matter” To “Wow, okay so this is how you do it. Yes, it’s still incredibly difficult, but I am slowly finding my way. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and you know…it’s not as bad as it seems.”
Here’s the thing, that whole “Holy fuck I wish I was dead” thing, only started to go away a few months ago. So consider that I am thirty-four right now and on my thirty-fourth birthday I was wishing I was dead. So it’s only been the last couple of months that I’ve been able to find some semblance of normalcy, of sanity.
It started with a love quiz. I shit you not. I met Diane the day after I quit my job, and I was feeling rather hopeless. I remember looking up at the stars and asking for the God’s to give me something, anything to hold on to. Something that could show me where it was I was supposed to go, something that would give me a reason to keep fighting.
There she was, blonde hair, gorgeous outfit, ridiculously annoyingly happy grin and one of the kindest souls I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. All she did was give me her card. “Just try it.” She said.
I admit when I first heard about her “love quiz” I rolled my eyes, carefully because I didn’t want to offend this beautiful and kind creature, but a few days later…I figured “what the hell do I have to lose?” So I took the stupid damn quiz.
And magical things started to happen.
Diane’s Quiz told me that I needed to work on my “Throat Chakra” which is supposed to help you deal with letting go of the darkness. It’s directly connected to your heart, and it’s here that you hold onto all the negativity that is holding you back. Holding you back from saying what is really in your heart and mind, holding you hostage with guilt and shame.
Diane’s quiz told me to start changing the color of my wardrobe. I used to wear black like 99% of the time. I have so many black clothes that often times it takes me an hour to find the shirt I want because I can’t tell anything apart.
So although I didn’t jump into wearing yellow, I did start to add blues and greens and even red into my wardrobe. Dark colors, but at least they weren’t all black anymore.
I started smoking pot – one joint every night to help me relax and sleep better. I started adding meditation videos *I will link a few at the bottom of this post.*
I started this blog – but more importantly, I started to approach this blog as if it was work. I started writing every single day sometimes two or three times a day. I made a promise to myself that even if I didn’t post every single day I was going to write every single day!
I got myself into a routine that refused to allow time for self-wallowing and depression.
In the morning I wake up, give the pup a quick walk. Make a cup of coffee and I start writing. I check emails and do all the boring work stuff that goes with “Expanding your brand.” and then around noon I have some lunch and walk the pup again.
I set up this routine over several days and weeks, and something even more magical happened. I realized that although I was a far cry from where I was in April, I still wasn’t done working on myself, but I needed help.
So I approached Diane again and asked if she’d take me on as a client. At the time it just didn’t work out, for various reasons but mostly because as wonderful as Diane is, there was really only so much she could do for me in this part of my journey.
One day many months after this conversation with this beautiful woman, I started googling counselors, and I found an amazing website that listed all the different counselors in my area. Which is how I found Kevin Bacon.
Now you guys know me, I am as cynical as I am positive so when I first found KB I wasn’t entirely sure this was going to work out. In fact, I went into this positive he was going to be another failure who had no idea how to connect with me. Until we spoke on the phone.
We spoke for about an hour in which I told him that I didn’t have a ton of money but that I was serious about getting to a happier, healthier place. “Why don’t you come in…and we’ll give it one shot?” He suggested at the end of the call. So I did, the bonus is that I got to go to Vancouver -which is my favorite “Get the fuck out of Surrey” place.
So I went. We talked and like Diane, he got me. Almost instantly he got me. Which I told you about in my post here.
During our conversation, I told Kevin Bacon that I was finding it incredibly difficult to write – to write fiction I mean. “Focus on one thing that makes you happy.” He said. I said I would but I didn’t think it would work. I’d like it noted I’m on chapter four of my new work in progress and I’ve just finished a children’s poem that I am going to be trying to sell a stand-alone children’s book.
I know it seems like I’m bragging about how good my life is coming, but in reality the point is that I didn’t just wake up one day and find my happy. It was a process, it was a series of very fortunate events that is slowly helping me find my way out of the dark forest. It started with a friggin love quiz!
No that’s not true, it started with a very amazing dinner where I was sat next to someone I am convinced was sent by the God’s to show me the way.
It took thirty-three years and eleven months for me to find the map and while I still haven’t found that magical X, I’m no longer convinced that I have to. All I have to do is take each day as it comes. All I have to do is focus on the one moment of each day where I laugh and smile.
So here’s my suggestions for you!
- If you do not have a dog get a dog – they make you laugh, and they force you to go outside, like more than once a day. Which will help you get out of your comfort zone.
- Take the Love Quiz – at the very least it might help you figure out some suggestions to get you moving on your own map!
- Find a counselor – and no you don’t have to take the first one you find. You actually can talk to them first and decide if they are the right person for you.
- Set a new goal every day – this starts with having a routine that helps you get each task done. And instead of focusing on the twelve-million things that you have to get today, start with 1!
Every day is going to be difficult, and it will bring you challenges, but if you focus on one challenge at a time, it helps to prevent you from getting overwhelmed. First and foremost you have to decide that you are not going to live in misery any longer. You have to decide that you truly want and deserve to be happy.
I could go on but I think I’ll save some for another post. I promise you though if you take some of these suggestions to heart, you will begin to find your own path to your very own kind of happiness. First and foremost ask yourself this, what does happiness mean to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to share them in the comments below.
Good luck, remember always that even if I do not know you, even if we’ve never met I love you, purely because you are human…and that’s all you need to be.
Sending love, in hopes you take what you need and share what you don’t,
Devon J Hall
Chris Evan’s is a Bhudist, and in this video, he’s sharing some thoughts and ideas of how it is that he got where he is today. I found this particularly helpful because of a) It’s Chris Evans, but most importantly b) because he talks a lot about how to get out of his own head. Meditation included. Definitely worth the listen.
For sleep, I actually found this video incredibly helpful because the voice in the video is incredibly calming, and often times my sleep thoughts are filled with anxiety and constantly rumbling around. This video helped me to focus on and imagine the story that the speaker is talking about, before pushing me gently and blissfully to sleep. Definitely worth a listen right before bed, or first thing in the morning to help me get started.
The following is an incredibly powerful meditation. This is actually the first one I started to use and still use every once in awhile. It helps me to focus on Ganesha, who is the Guardian of inspiration and creativity. I believe it’s starting to work. (Children’s book coming out soon!)