I remember once my grandfather asking me once how I dealt with bullies. I told him I didn’t give a damn if people didn’t like me. It was the only time I ever swore in front of that man. The look he gave me was terrifying, and then, of course, he hugged me and said that he loved me and was quite proud of my stance.
At the time I think I was being honest, and for awhile I held on to that because it made me feel good to know that my grandfather loved me.
As time goes on of course, when most people were discovering who they are, I was discovering how good I was at being a sexual object.
One night while hanging out with one of my favorite Femme fatal’s we were discussing labels and sexuality.
I was telling her that even though I once enjoyed the act of sexual submission to a Dominant male I am finding that it is becoming harder and harder for me to allow myself to submit to anyone, much less a man. Even in the bedroom.
One of the things that I’ve been struggling with lately is how to identify as a submissive, which is something that I really do enjoy, with being a woman who’s learning how to be strong enough to say no to sexual acts I am not interested or comfortable with performing.
Which is one of the reasons I chose to be celibate several weeks ago; I spent a great deal of my time being the kind of person who said yes to everything in the bedroom whenever a man asked and now I am learning that not only do I not have to but that I have the strength to say no.
Which leads me to this. I’ve been thinking about what I would say, how would I introduce myself to someone who doesn’t know me, to someone who has never met be before?
In all reality, I could say;
My name is Devon Hallgate, I am a bisexual Alpha Kitten Submissive, Activist, Blogger, Writer, Inspiration (ha ha) future Pulitzer award winning human being who fights for those who cannot fight for themselves!
Or I could simply say “I am Devon.”
Now there are some people out there who will say “oh but you don’t have to tell anyone any of that stuff if you don’t want to.” Which would be totally true if we weren’t living in a world that put soo much emphasis on labels.
These days it seems everyone feels as if they need a label so they know where they fit in.
The problem is I’ve never been the kind of person who fits in anywhere. I’ve always known if I wanted to find my tribe, so to speak I’d have to build from the ground up. I’d have to be the leader, because the only that I can fit in, is if I am the one deciding who it is that I surround myself with. So the easiest answer is I don’t have a label, now while I am okay with that it seems the rest of the world is demanding I fit into one or two specific boxes so that they can connect to me.
Wow, that’s a mouthful!
So with the conversation, I had with my favorite Femme (we’ll just call her BabyDoll from now on because she’s such a friggen doll bwaha)
I have the privilege of being friends with an Original BDSM Master – now before you get all weird, our friendship is based on one that has helped me to discover who I am.
Submission in it’s absolute most pure form has helped me to understand how I feel about abuse in a healthy far more informative way than counseling ever did.*
It is through this friendship that I learned why it is that I like certain kinks, where my desire for them comes from, it has helped me grow as a person.
So because I trust this person so much I asked him if he believed a Submissive could evolve into something more, could ascend to a status that makes it difficult for him or her to submit anymore.
His response was incredibly eye opening.
“Of course it is. Some people submit or Dominate because they physically need the kinks to enjoy sex, but there are others who use BDSM as a way to work out emotional or mental health issues. I believe that you fall into the latter category. I think that with everything that you have suffered, submission has allowed you to take control over something you’ve never been able to control before. (sex.) Now perhaps you are finding that you no longer need submission, because you’ve been able to deal with the issues that were holding you back emotionally as well as sexually, from being able to enjoy sexual relations in a healthy and positive way.”
I believe that my friend is correct. I think that I have finally come to a place where I can enjoy sex in a healthy way, if I choose to – that doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy sex with kinks, it just means that now I am able to reach out and have the kind of healthy open communicative relationship that other people have. More importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and the kind of men that I used to date.
I typically would date men who were abusive because it was all I knew. When friends would look at me, and ask why the hell I would date someone so unworthy of me as a person I never really had an answer. I would instead feel ashamed, and disgust with myself.
In all reality, however, it was because they gave me something I didn’t have before. Many people believe that Domination means a Submissive has 0 power, in reality, is up to the Submissive to decide when play begins, and when the play ends. A dominant has absolutely no power over our bodies unless we give them permission to do so.
By participating in abusive relationships I was giving up all control because I didn’t believe I deserved to have any. By participating in BDSM relationships it was my way of taking control, by allowing the Dominant to use my body and mind at will. Knowing at any time I could say stop, no or I am done and I need to stop now.
Submission allowed me control over things that other people would consider abuse, abuse stole my control. It was through submission that I learned how to say no, how to say stop.
Now I may not need to submit the way that I used to, but I can if I choose to. It gave me the ability to take my power back in a way that counseling and therapy never could, and never did.
When Babydoll asked me how I identify now, however, I didn’t have an answer. I’m not a submissive anymore, it’s just not in me to submit to someone unless I know fully that I will be safe and protected. (No Christian Grays for me anymore!)
So with all that said, to the submissives who do it because they enjoy the kink – I implore you to enjoy the fuck out of it.
So with all that said, I still have not answered the question “How do you label yourself?” The answer? I’m a human.
all my love,
Devon J Hall
*For those of you trying to discover who you are, please do your research. Don’t do what I did and rush into any and all abusive relationships just because a man identified as a Dominant. More often than not these days BDSM is more Fifty Shades of Bullshit than it is actual safe sane and consensual. (That’s an actual term so please, research the fuck out of it.)
There are people out there who have trained for years as submissives to become Dominants, and they are not always paid for it. They do it because they enjoy it, they enjoy the art that comes with Domination and Submission and they will teach you the proper ways if you are willing to learn.
Go to munches (I don’t for my own personal reasons.) and meet people face to face where you can safely talk about BDSM and the rights, practices, and rules. Do not engage in this sexual activity in replacement of proper therapy because you can (as I did for several years) cause far more damage to yourself and your partner and most importantly you must always be aware of your limits. I have an entire series of KINK articles that I am working on but you can always look on the internet for your own.