Fifty Shades: Understanding why it sucked so bad

I admit I didn’t finish the books. I flipped through them, I shuddered in disgust at the content, the theme and the writing and then I promptly threw the books away. Still I loath “Fifty Shades” less than Gone Girl – don’t even get me started. I gave Kelly Bestie side cramps after ranting about that monstrosity.

However I figured after “Fifty Shades Darker” came out I’d give it a shot, so when I mentioned that I was watching it, a few Twitter followers said they’d love to hear what I thought. Thus here we are. My review of the “Fifty Shades” phenomenon.

The funny thing is the moment I pressed play on my On Demand menu the phone rang. In fact every time I tried to watch these two films something interrupted me. I probably should have gone with that and not bothered, but I promised I’d try so I did.

Let me start with Christian Grey, he’s hot I’ll give the casting director props for that, but the problem with both these actors is that although both Dornan and Johnson are incredibly talented in their own rights, the first scene of the film where they discuss sex plays like they’re talking in a computer chatroom.

I’ve actually had this conversation “I won’t touch you until we have a contract” in a fucking chatroom. So clearly the author has been in more than a few online relationships because this whole film feels like it was a drawn out cyber sex marathon. Not well done at all.

Secondly is the play room – no one’s playroom looks like that, not even a billionaires. I promise you. It’s clearly based on fantasy, and not even an original one.

When you get right down to it though Christian talks about the abuse he suffered but not really – he sees his relationship with his former Mistress as something beautiful and wonderful when in reality it was twisted and obviously damaged him. His relationship with his mother and his Mistress are both obvious reasons for his desire to “punish women” that he may as well be wearing a neon sign.

There are parts of his character that I can recognize in most men I’ve met, especially in BDSM circles. In reality he comes across as a cheese head. I wouldn’t look twice at a man like him wanting to dominate me personally because I can tell he’s not a Dominant.

In 50 Shades Darker, he admits that he’s not a Dominant, he’s actually a sadist and that his desires come from a dark painful place, oh look at me I’m broken and you’re saving me. Please give me a gag before I puke.

Women cannot save a man with love. Men who are abusive and have a desire to punish women in the ways described in these films are not normal and these are not healthy relationships.

A Submissive would never ask to be “shown the worst” of a Dominant. A real, and healthy BDSM dominant submissive relationship is based on trust and respect it’s based on the idea that the pain releases pleasure and neither of which have much to do with sex being the end result of every play session.

There are a million films and books that better describe bdsm and the relationships between a Dominant and his or her Submissive but this just ain’t one of em.

I laughed a lot, and I skipped through the soft porn bullshit, not really a fan of watching a man abuse a woman and then call it sex.

The scene were the scary psycho broken submissive shows up with a gun and he simply looks at her forcing her to both give him the gun and kneel made me want to throw up. It was filler, thrown in for what exactly? That scene could have been explored so much more, and would have added to the story, there are questions that I had when I saw that.

Why does he have so much control over her? What happened between the two of them that he broke her so badly? It seems to me it was an unexplored story line that could have completely altered the book and the films entirely and for the better. Instead both the author and the director seemed to pull back just when it was getting interesting.

This whole movie franchise is a failure from beginning to end. I hate to say that because I know how hard actors work on their craft but if the content just isn’t there, the whole project falls flat.

I won’t be watching the third section of this film because I don’t see the point. They met, they played at being Dominant and Submissive, fall in love and get married and then what? What could possibly be interesting enough to bring me back for a third helping? Nothing.

This entire movie that so many women raced to see makes me sick. As a woman, as an Alpha submissive and as a film lover. What a waste of money.

I asked Kelly Bestie how the hell this movie made so much money. “She got lucky. No one was talking about it.” she said. Well they’re talking now, and in reality it’s just a big pile of shit. Don’t bother spending another dime on these films.

As far as I’m concerned it’s just an expensive romance novel gone horribly wrong.

So that’s it. Just as I expected a waste of money and time. Thankfully however I didn’t spend twenty dollars on a ticket and fifty dollars on junk food surrounded by desperate housewives who are dying for some excitement to watch this crap. I watched it at home alone where I could turn it off as many times as I had to because I was laughing so fucking hard.

There’s good news though, if that crap can get published and filmed, I’m doomed to be a star.

All my love,


Devon J


6 thoughts on “Fifty Shades: Understanding why it sucked so bad

  1. Thanks, Devon. Now I don’t have to read the books or watch the films, ever. You would probably be about as appalled at what is taught about BSDM and such in schools for therapists and counselors too, which, come to think on it, may ave a lot to do with how those characters are drawn. As usual, a great read.

  2. Thanks for sharing! As someone who knows nothing about BDSM, it’s interesting to hear the point of view of someone who does know what she’s talking about.

Comments are closed.