I’ve re-written this post a thousand times and it’s because nothing I’ve said feels right.
Recently I removed someone from my social media existence, for my own peace of mind and to keep it straight I’ll use the name “Lena”.
Lena loved to talk shit about everyone I know who is attempting to widen their audience. She loves to tear down any idea that comes her way and for awhile I thought she was only looking out for me. The absolute truth is that she’s a toxic human being. Like the Dark Fairy from Once Upon a Time she has turned her heart black by trying to tear other people down.
I trusted Lena, because I thought she was a nice person and it’s not even her fault. It’s mine because time and time again I have allowed people to tear me down while trying to lift themselves up.
I’ve heard “I wish you were skinnier so you can wear cuter clothes” (From a woman with four kids from three different fathers.) or “Trust me, I’m smarter and more popular than you” and yes I have even heard “I’m skinnier than you. Guys are far more attracted to me.”
The person who said that last two, has four children, all of which are on antipsychotics and two of which, will be in government care for the rest of their lives.
I of course believed these friends because why would someone I care about, someone I trust try to tear me down? because they’re fucking toxic of course.
The only person Lena didn’t talk smack about was my friend Rachel. She once told me that she was surprised that Rachel bothered to join my group “in spite of talent and fame.” Which I have to tell you made me feel pretty damned special, until I realized that what Lena was really saying was “She can do better than you.”
Every time Lena would knock me down, Rachel was there to pick me back up – and the best part was that she had no idea what Lena was saying – Lena always kept her “Advice” in private chats. I supported, championed for and promoted Lena and it’s only now that I realize Lena has never done the same for me, much less anyone else.
I want to switch gears for a moment and tell you about my favorite Real Housewife from the land of Beverly Hills, because she’s done the one thing that so many of us wish we had the courage to do. She’s followed her dreams and she makes no apologies and doesn’t give a fuck about whether or not you like her.
Her name is Erika Jayne and she’s a fucking Rockstar!
Talk about confidence this woman has it in spades and when someone tells Ms. Erika Jayne that she isn’t good enough or isn’t going to make it in the music business she does this really cool thing I really wanna learn how to do…ready? She laughs at them. In their faces! Can you imagine? Like seriously who would have thought that’s how you deal with assholes.
Okay in all seriousness we all know that’s what you’re supposed to do when assholes come flying at you like their asshole brooms are on fire, but the difference between us and the Erika Jayne’s of the world is that she actually does it!
There was one week on RHOBH that she was called a “cold fish” and I wanted to throw something at my television screen in her defence, and not because I thought Ms. Jayne needed me to defend her (she totally doesn’t by the way) it was because I know exactly how that feels. When people first meet me they say that I come off as a bitch. I used to sit here and hate that, I hated that anyone could think of me as a Bitch – because in reality I’m not a bitch. I’m actually a really nice person, but it wasn’t until Erika responded with one simple word that I stopped and went “Whoa wait, who the fuck told her she didn’t have to react to that?” She said simply “Okay.”
She didn’t care. Erika Jayne doesn’t give a fuck what anyone says about her. She just keeps going and she doesn’t let anyone stop her. That’s not just confidence that’s living life! That’s reveling in it, that’s looking at the people who tell her she can’t and saying “Fucking watch me.” And you know what else? She didn’t ask permission to do it.
“I stood by my husband for twenty years and finally I took the plunge and decided to follow my own dreams. I still stand by Tom in all that he does, but now I make time for my dreams as well. I’m Erika Jayne and I make no apologies to anyone for loving my life.”
What a profound thing to feel, to be yourself and not care about people that dislike you or think you’re a bitch. You know why people think I’m a bitch? Because I don’t let everyone in. You my readers probably know more about me than any of my former friends could have imagined. They never saw the potential in me to be strong and smart and beautiful and wise. They saw someone they could kick so they could feel better about who they are. Well fuck that noise.
As I write this I am thinking back to every episode of RHOBH and I am realizing that no matter what Erika has always stood her ground, you always know where you stand with her because she has no qualms about telling a person how she feels. She might take her time saying it, but like myself she’ll eventually let you know how she feels about you…and like myself you better pray you’re on her good side because from what I can tell you only get one chance with her.
I see a lot of myself in Erika Jayne, except that she’s older, wiser and a bit more of a badass than I am – okay I see the woman I want to be in Erika Jayne, and I have to tell you I am totally over apologizing to anyone for being who I am.
I am going to stop listening to the people who try to tear me down with their back handed compliments. I am going to smile and say “Okay” any time someone says I will fall or fail. Of course I will, I’m designed to fall and to fail so that I can get the fuck back up again!
I’m going to be a pulitzer winning author. I am going to travel the world and meet all the amazing inspiring wonderful people who make me see the world differently, including Miss Erika Jayne and I am going to shake their hands and say “Thank you, for showing me how life is supposed to be lived.”
As for all of those people who dislike me or tried to tear me down I’m not going to think about any of them. And when new people come into my life, I am going to smile welcome them and when they try to tell me that I am a Bitch or a Cold fish I’m gonna smile, nod my head with pride and say “Okay.”
You know why? because “Okay” really means I don’t care. I don’t care if you think I’ll fail or fall. I’ve failed and fallen a thousand times and I’ll fail and fall a thousand more and with each failure and each fall I’ll get back up again and smile and say “Okay. What else you got?”
Now this isn’t about tearing down another blogger it’s about using this specific event within my lifetime to make a point. She isn’ the first to do this and she certainly won’t be the last but I am making a concentrated effort to see these kinds of toxic people for who and what they are and instead of smiling and nodding, I am going to stand up for myself and say “hey now…that’s not okay for you to say that to me. I deserve more respect than that.”
What about you? Are you ready to “Okay” the world Today?
Let me know in the comments below.
All my love,
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