The Truth is I don’t feel beautiful

There are days I look in the mirror and I’m like “Damn I’m hot.” Then I take a picture. There are other days that I look in the mirror and want to hide, it’s perfectly natural. You know what is not natural? Making a joke when someone pays us a compliment.

Often times I’ll be watching down the street and see a gorgeous child and of course I’ll pay that child a compliment, you know what they say? “Thank you.” You know what most adults do? They sniff or roll their eyes or make a joke about lighting. This is not natural behavior it’s learned. We have allowed ourselves to become a society that thrives on negativity, we feed off of it because we’re so used to being insulted and talked down to that when someone gives us a compliment we’re genuinly surprised and shocked. “Oh you think I’m beautiful? Wow, thank you…I really am surprised because I don’t hear it enough.”

The truth is I wish I was skinnier, I wish I had a flat stomach and I wish I had a curvier ass I wish “Curvy” meant me instead of “busty in all the right places.”

I wish that when a man told me I was beautiful I believed it, but the truth is that I’ve been trained to believe that men only say that when they want to get laid. (Usually because men only tell me that when they think they are going to get laid.)

However this year as I said I have chosen my power word “POWER” I now choose to believe that when someone says I am beautiful they mean it, regardless of what they may or may not expect from me.

Other peoples expectations are no longer my problem, issue or dilemma to deal with. You can expect whatever the fuck you want from me but when you tell me I am beautiful I am going to take the compliment and I am going to relish in it. Not because you think I am beautiful but because I don’t get to hear it often so when I do hear it I am going to choose the power to savor it.

It wasn’t easy getting here mind you. I had to write a hundred power words on my bathroom mirror and read them every day for a month before I started to see things about my body that I liked. I had to dance on camera for instagram and shake my booty butt naked (no you can’t see anything you perverts) before I truly began to feel comfortable with my body.

I had to masturbate every day for six months before I started to appreciate every inch of this bruised and scarred body. I used to hate my stretch marks but they remind me that I gained weight because I was pregnant. I used to hate my scars but they remind me that I lived a life, each one has a memory, sometimes a good one sometimes a bad one – but either way they are memories of the person I used to be and the person that I have become…that I am becoming.

I am a Beautiful English Irish Scottish Gypsy Jamaican Rose. I am Sexy as Fuck. I do not need qualification from anyone else in the world but I will take every compliment I get because I deserve them.

I may not take a thousand selfies a day and I may not focus on my looks the way that other people do (not judging just saying.) but that’s because my looks have never really been a huge focus for me – sure I wish I had a smaller nose and better skin but at the end of the day my skin and bones are what hold my body together, they are not what make me who I am. And anyone else who cannot see that isn’t worthy of looking at me anyways. I’m a Princess a Queen I am whatever the hell I choose to be.

So to everyone who has ever called me beautiful, gorgeous or pretty thank you. It means the world to me that you took a moment to smile at me and say something kind. I promise never to make a joke, sniff or roll my eyes. I swear I will hold it close and allow it to give me more positive energy to feed on and I swear an oath to pass it on.

All my love,

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9 thoughts on “The Truth is I don’t feel beautiful

  1. THIS WAS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE BUT WOW
    This post makes me extremely happy and you have worded it beautifully. I have been thinking this for ages but have never been able to word it the way I want. This is absolutely perfect. You have covered everything I have ever wanted to say. Thank you for sharing and you have defiantly gained another follower. Much love to you and your self love xxx can’t wait to read more beautiful.

    Bailey xxx

    • Thank you so much Bailey, what a lovely compliment. I can’t think of a better way to begin my Easter. Thank you so much I am truly honored you not only related but enjoyed my writing enough to follow.

      Te Amo lovey,

  2. Compliments are troublesome. We are taught to respond with a show of humility, especially when it about our appearance. Of course, actual celebrities are the exception because gathering such comments is their job.

    I was struck by the sentence, “I wish that when a man told me I was beautiful I believed it, but the truth is that I’ve been trained to believe that men only say that when they want to get laid.” That context is so pervasive that I avoid commenting or complimenting on the appearance of women even when they are posting selfies and it is clearly true that they are beautiful.

    So, yes, go right ahead and be beautiful.

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