To anyone looking at me from the outside they may think that I am strong and that I can handle anything, but the truth is I’m just so used to being disappointed that I’ve learned how to hide it.
Tonight I went into one of my favorite chatrooms to see some of my online friends laughing at the fact that one had humiliated and scared off another. It occurred to me that I used to do that a lot – I used to bite people whenever they tried to be nice to me because it was just easier than letting one in. It also occurred to me that I often set myself up for failure – knowing it’s coming makes it easier to deal with. It makes it easier knowing that I won’t get what I want because I’m used to that.
So when I saw a teachable moment I took it – I explained to my friend that although she thought she was standing up for herself, in reality what she did could have possibly caused more harm than good. In any group or club or click there’s always that one person who bites hard at the new person. Usually out of fear of being usurped. I used to do that with my friends – I told myself it was because I was protecting the ones I cared about, but in reality it was because I’d finally found something stable and secure and I was terrified of anything or anyone new coming in and taking over.
I’ve spent the last two years trying to figure out what my next move was going to be, what I would be doing with my life. In reality I’ve focused on my self. On fixing the issues I’ve had inside myself and I have this new found understanding of myself that I didn’t have before.
Yesterday a friend of mine posted on twitter, that she was tired of not feeling as if she was enough. It made me smile because I know how that feels, I know how it feels to finally decide that you’ve had enough of not being enough.
I’ve thought long and hard about what I want for my birthday and I’ve realized that this year…I don’t want anything. I don’t want a party or presents or everyone telling me why they can’t make it. I don’t want to worry about being disapointed or smiling and saying I’m totally okay with people not showing up or supporting me. The truth is I’m not okay with it, it fucking sucks to constantly be the one that’s there for everyone else and never having anyone to call on when I need them.
I am the loneliest 34 year old in the world, so this year for my birthday I am going to spend the day doing all the things I’ve wanted to do that I haven’t been able to before.
I’m going to ride the train to the Vancouver airport, and watch the planes. I’m going to pick up a pen and a notebook and start writing, I am going to sip champagne somewhere beautiful and celebrate the fact that after thirty four years I’m still here. I’m still alive and I am going to say a toast to myself, for getting through everything I’ve been through. I am going to celebrate myself, and I’m not going to cry about the fact that no one else wants to celebrate me, because I finally realize it’s their loss…not mine.
So Happy Birthday to me, and to everyone else born in April,
All my love,