Several months ago I went to an event held by another organization who I can’t name – but I mention it because at that event they put on a play about spousal abuse.
Here’s the thing, not only have I been the victim of abuse (many times over really) but I also witnessed Spousal abuse as a child, so it was difficult for me, I ended up walking out with several other women who were triggered.
The organizers of that event swear by what they did – saying that it was important for people to see. Even though I do agree I was angry because the play came without warning and was incredibly triggering.
Yesterday I went to an event called “She Talks.” I went to my first one months and months ago because my mother was speaking. Yesterday’s was special because it helped me understand something about myself that I haven’t realized before.
It’s not enough to say that I “just haven’t healed yet” from what happened to me. A lot of the women who spoke yesterday talked about being abused. I am proud to say I made it through one speech but I am saddened that I just couldn’t bring myself to sit through the rest.
Rather than freaking out and having a panic attack I thanked my friend / adopted mam Jen for inviting me and said my quiet goodbyes and slipped out.
I didn’t let them see my embarrassment, and for the first time I refused to let myself be ashamed. Even whilst I knew I was running away from something I wasn’t ready to face.
The irony here is that I have 0 problem admitting that I’ve been abused, I have 0 problem telling my stories or sharing my insight, but when it comes to listening to the stories of others? I’m just not there yet.
Part of it is because I am an Empath and I have this horrible habit of visualizing the bad things people talk about the other half of that is I just hate knowing that this shit keeps happening.
When I was in school in Calgary police officers used to come visit us once a year and give seminars on this kind of shit. How to stay safe, why drugs are bad, how to make sure you aren’t dating a guy who will turn you into a prostitute – the seminars were graphic but both informative and needed.
And yet this same shit keeps happening. The only difference is that I’m no longer on the outside looking in, I’m on the inside looking out asking the world why we keep allowing women to be abused. Children and men too.
One woman spoke of the fact that she’d been on a waiting list for over a year to see a counsellor to get help. I had to laugh. I’ve been waiting ten years to find someone, ANYONE willing to listen to what I’ve been through and help me work through it.
I’ve begged and screamed, pleaded and cried and yet here I am, alone in my suffering because there just isn’t enough mental health help out there.
About three years ago I just stopped asking for help. I guess I realized if I was going to get through this I am going to have to do it alone.
However, this is why I say that She Talks might be the most important event you ever attend because it’s time that women come together, and yes share their stories.
This is the most selfish thing I will ever admit, but it’s also the truth.
The real reason I have a hard time listening to other survivors share their stories is that no one’s ever given a shit when I’ve tried to share my own.
Which is why I’m writing a book about it all. Every horrible awful thing that’s ever happened, and the life lessons that came with them. Maybe then I’ll be free of the past.
Until that time comes however, I implore you to find SheTalks on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and head to the next event you can attend. You’ll meet some beautiful women who yes have suffered, come out on the other side and turned that suffering into inspiring stories that changed their lives and will surely change yours!
All my love,