A few days ago Will Smith was announced as the lead in a movie in which his character writes three letters. One to Death, One to Time and One to Love.
The moment I heard about this I started thinking about what I would say should I decide to write a letter to Death.
What could I say? Fuck you for leaving me here? For taking the ones I love the most and leaving me behind surrounded by the selfish ones who could care less about me? Fuck you for taking Bree and leaving her son without a mother and a father – after making her suffer through a life filled with pain and ultimately life taking Cancer?
Fuck you for taking Andy and Sixx and Devon, My Grandfather, My Aunt and my unborn child and so many others that cared about me? That I trusted and loved and felt safe around?
I was thinking about this last night when I met my friend for dinner with mom. I was thinking about this as we walked through Gas Town (my favorite place in the whole wide world.) I was thinking about this when I saw a window full of curios and nick knacks. I was thinking about this as I said my friend if we could stop inside and without waiting for an answer felt my entire body being pulled within.
The moment I walked in I looked up and smiled and whispered “This is what Heaven looks like.” It was this rickety old space filled to the brims, floor to ceiling with every magical creative artistic object you can imagine. Tarot Decks and Pentacles, Stones and Crystals, old keys and wands.
It was Diagon Alley come to life. I was pulled towards a small jewelry stand filled with rosary’s, except instead of crosses at the very end were silver Pentacles. I picked a blue one, thought about it, felt it’s power and strength and decided I wanted it. I knew I didn’t need it.
Let me be clear: I avoid Witches. At all costs. I find most of them to be horrible people only interested in their own ability to drain others – instead of spiritual growth. So when I find one that is very much about Spiritual Growth I find my own light burning a little stronger.
Which is why when I went to pay and the machine wasn’t working I had to laugh. The store owner (who’s name I didn’t get) was confused. I knew. It was the Universe telling me I didn’t need a pentacle.
As I told her it was alright and I’d come back for it when I had cash I looked to my left and saw that there was a basement. Again in a way I’ve only felt a handful of times I felt my body being pulled downstairs. After squealing in delight.
It was down the bottom of these rickety little stairs I met the Guardian of Death.
In this basement filled with old library card stock shelves there were photographs, art, a stunning Witch statue pointing her finger in a humorous version of anger that I decided I must have in my world some day.
As I turned there she was. Long beautiful hair and stunning aura a power I’ve only sensed one other time in my life. A kindness I didn’t really think existed.
We talked for a moment or two about all the neat little pieces of art. I opened a drawer to find a pile of Japanese Finger Traps. Silly and strange and beautiful little things that no one really needs but that you might want just because they are cool and interesting.
I continued to look around at a pile of photographs and when I asked who they were of she said simply “we don’t know, they’re just little oddities we’ve collected here.”
I smiled at that. Beautiful photographs from the 50’s, 60’s and so on. Family photos of people laughing. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I was missing something.
In this place I felt safe, protected and secure. A feeling I do not often have. In this place I felt like I was home.
I watched as this amazing woman filled with light dipped into a secondary room and wondered for a moment if I should follow her and see what was hidden behind the threshold.
There she was. In her amazing stunning light I met Amanda. The Guardian of Death.
The moment I walked in there were crystallized bones hanging from the wall to my immediate left. I avoided this wall like the fucking plague. I am not comfortable around Death.
Amanda and I talked a little about all the amazing little pieces of art she’d made from hand and then as my friend walked in she told us her story.
Amanda has been collecting bones for years. She had been on a yoga retreat with some women and on one of their hikes much like I had, felt her body telling her to go in a very specific direction. It was here that she found one of her very first bones.
Over time Amanda says she began to feel drained, and unable to really connect any longer. A friend of hers reminded her that it may be because she was surrounding herself with the bones of the dead but not actually doing anything about it.
It was this that pushed Amanda Bullick to create an entire ceremony around her bone gathering. She gives as she takes (Which we’re all required to do in order to keep the balance) and she has a moment of grace and thanks when she finds a bone. Instead of taking them all she takes only what she needs.
From what Amanda takes she then creates beautiful pieces of art work. Everything from Necklaces to statutes.
It was in this space that I found the Guardian of Death. It was here that this particular Guardian reminded me that we must celebrate Death instead of being angry at Him, instead of being sad that the ones we love are Gone.
It was here in this room I talked about The Sisterhood and for a moment was able to celebrate the idea that Women should push each other up instead of tearing each other down.
And it was here, within this room that as I looked at my friend I realized she was not a friend, she was in fact another enemy constantly tearing me down, and that last night would be the last night I ever saw her again. For the first time in a long time – I accepted the fact that Death was going to be a constant part of my life.
In this case, it would mean the death of a Friendship that really did nothing but drain me, but in the realization of that I began to understand that Death had heard my cries over the years and brought me to a place where I could for the tiny moment I was there, find a sanctuary. A place that held a Guardian who didn’t even realize that she was in fact a Guardian and in her own way a teacher.
So thank You Amanda, and Salmagundi for giving me the peace I’ve been looking for. I very much look forward to coming back and seeing what other life lessons I can discover….and which I’ll be able to take home.
All my love,