Death has a funny way of showing him or herself. Sometimes we take thing’s so literally that we don’t actually realize that “Death” can also be a euphemism.
I’ve been thinking about Death a lot lately and I’ve been pretty fucking angry at Death for taking away the people I know loved me more than anyone else I’ve known. I’ve been angry that I am a lover of people who is constantly giving but very rarely getting love.
I can honestly say, I have not been loved enough.
Love in my opinion does not come in the form of gifts and money but instead of attention, of caring what is important to me. It comes in the form of people and creatures who care when you are sad or scared, unhealthy and feeling like you don’t matter. I haven’t felt a lot of that in my life time.
As I wrote in the first post “Guardian of Death Part One” I met a Guardian of Death. I never have met one before. I also said that I avoided one particular wall filled with the bones of dead animals because I avoid Death. At all costs.
I don’t like Death, my relationship with Death sucks. I very much believe that entities like Love, Death, Life all exist. That they make themselves known when you need them the most.
It was last night that Death was sending me a clear message. “I take away the people, places and things you no longer need in your life in order to help you grow.” It was a lesson I badly needed.
Amanda had given me and the friend I was with each a piece of Palo Santo. A wood that grows in the rain-forest that is so rare the only way it is allowed to be legally collected is after a tree dies. They then collect the pieces that have fallen off and spread them out around the world.
The idea is that you burn the wood for feelings of good energy and happiness. I didn’t let go of that piece of wood once through out the night. I held onto it because I was anxious. So I tucked it into my sleeve and I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my finger against it.
After my friend and I left the shop we headed up to meet my mom for dinner. We ended up at a very beautiful fancy restaurant with great food and great wine. And that was were the bad vibes I’d already been feeling began to grow.
It was during dinner that I began to think about myself as a woman, as a Witch. I’m a fucking Fire Element, a Cardinal sign.
One of the most powerful signs in the zodiac and here I was with two water elements who spent most of the evening arguing with me.
From the moment we walked through the door of the restaurant I was already irritated beyond belief.
My mom had made some crack about the cold which turned into a lecture about what I was wearing. As if it had been me complaining about the cold when in fact it had not been, I wasn’t even cold. Not even a little.
Mom had told us to order whatever we wanted, she was buying which I thought was nice enough of her. “Oh good I’ll buy the wine then.” And friend proceeded to take the list from my hands.
“What kind of Wine do you like?” I told her through gritted teeth that I preferred sweeter wines. She ordered. While the wine was nice enough it wasn’t the one I would have chosen for myself.
As we were going through the menu it happened again. “Why don’t you get this and then I can eat the prawns?” Because I fucking hate prawns and I don’t fucking want that I want this.
I actually had considered ordering the prawn pasta and handing the prawns to my mother but the way she tried to convince me to order something that I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted made me order something else that I definitely did not want.
And then came the conversation.
She’d made a comment about Christmas to which I replied I don’t like Christmas. Last year a friend suffering from cancer died after giving birth. I told her this and rather then say something like “I’m sorry for your loss” she said “Doesn’t mean you need to hate Christmas.” Yeah maybe it doesn’t but fuck the fuck out of you for stomping on my feelings and ignoring the fact that I’ve tried to share something with you you fucking fuck.
I looked across the way at a building I love – I’m not sure the name of it but I love it because it’s old and real brick and just a beautiful building filled with stunning art from all over the world. Mostly made by Aboriginal Artists. I made a comment about how I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy buying from a gallery when it comes to Aboriginal art because I know that many artists spend a lot of time creating art but don’t necessarily get paid fairly by many galleries.
Of course I was wrong. A gallery like that can afford to pay their artists fairly and would of course never ever take advantage of an artist. (Insert eye roll here.)
Then came the topic of work and how I honestly don’t see an easy end to the drug epidemic in Surrey. I stated that I really don’t give a shit what is happening in Vancouver in terms of trying to save lives because I don’t really live in Vancouver. I live in Surrey. I tried to make it clear that I think Surrey should be doing more to support people living in addiction and homelessness and poverty here.
Of course that was wrong because Surrey is doing plenty and it might be slow but it’s happening. Basically the entire night was me trying to express an opinion and both these people whom I love telling me how wrong I was – how I needed to be patient and sit back and watch as more people die because I’m not being patient enough.
No matter what I said I felt like I was being attacked, I could feel the fire in my body growing and every time I tried to speak I was contradicted or told I was wrong and the entire thing just became incredibly stressful.
Through it all I could feel Amanda’s beautiful gift – a piece of wood meant to bring peace and serenity – between my finger and thumb and I guess friction builds heat and heat builds fire because just after the coffee was served I’d decided I’d had enough.
Nothing I said mattered – My views were suddenly wrong and unimportant, how I felt didn’t matter to either of these people. They were a united front against me. Not one word that came out of my mouth was right, correct or worthy of being listened to. Not once during the meal did anyone say “I can see your point.” Even worse neither of them asked me how I was feeling or what was going on in my life.
Apparently me texting my new friend (Not yet a boyfriend nor a mister just a friend.) even concerned them. Usually when I am surrounded by people who take all my energy I shut down and drink and keep my mouth shut but I truly believe that tiny piece of wood was up to something because all of a sudden I said enough.
Inside and outside I said “ENOUGH.” I looked at the two of them with anger and disgust in my eyes. I touched friend on the shoulder and said “Do you understand how difficult it is for me to get out of bed every day? Do spend my evening with people that do nothing but criticize me, tear me down stomp all over me and tell me I’m wrong?” I looked at my mom who came closer as if to argue the point and I waved my hand. “Yeah I get it your in a wheelchair I don’t actually give a shit right now. I wanted to have fun, but the two of you are driving me crazy and I’m done.”
I looked at Friend Wished her Merry Christmas and told her I loved her and said goodbye. I do not know nor do I care if she understands I’ll never see her again. I’ll never call her or text her or visit her or ask her to visit. She had earlier in the evening if I was interested in visiting her next month on this island she’s staying at.
Fuck no. Absolutely not. Trapped with you stomping on my feelings, pretending they don’t matter, spending the entire weekend talking about yourself and ignoring me when I open up to you? I’d rather shoot myself in the ass. Twice. Both cheeks. With a cannon. No way in hell.
This is a woman who is in nearly every way identical to my mother in personality. With one exception. She loves to pretend that she cares about people but she doesn’t. She loves to pretend that she’s a good friend but she is not. This is something I’ve been realizing for awhile but it took a visit from Death in all his/her numerous beautiful forms to make me do something about it.
I loved my time with her because for a moment I could escape but now I realize that more often than not we went where she wanted to go, drank and ate what she wanted to drink and eat and talked about what she wanted to talk about. It’s less so when my mom is not around but when the two of them get together it’s far too much water element for this Cardinal sign to deal with.
Yes Death Visited last night, she walked beside me and gave me a gift and gave me the power to walk away from a situation that was overwhelming and sad. It was supposed to be a fun night in the city but instead it just left me feeling like I didn’t matter, like my feelings, my needs and my opinions as a human did not matter.
It left me realizing I don’t actually need to be around people who treat me this way and make me feel bad about myself. It left me realizing that I actually could get the fuck up and walk the fuck out. Which I did in utter annoyance. It wasn’t the first time I’ve walked away from this friend but it will be the last.
I am deciding, to make a severely concentrated effort to be very careful about the people I allow into my life for a change. If you want to be a part of my world from here on out you need to earn it. You do not get to come in and stomp all over me and tell me that nothing I think or feel is right. You do not get to tell me that every single opinion I have on any given topic is wrong. Which is exactly what happened last night.
I am 33 and I am going through some of the exact same situations I was going through at 23. Only this time I am watching much more carefully, I am seeing things in a way I never thought about before and I am being a lot more careful about the way I approach certain situations.
So thank you Death for answering my unwritten letter. For reminding me that life is for living, not for spending time with people who neither appriciate your existence or your company. I won’t forget that lesson any time soon.
And most importantly…thank you for giving me the strength to start figuring out how to learn to live without those who loved me the most.
I want to learn to be around people who take me as I am instead of people who try to change me and sway me to their way of thinking. I want to learn from others, feed off of love and knowledge and share love and knowledge.
The sad thing is that the moment I left the store I was being pushed into directions I didn’t want to go. I could feel myself being pushed and pulled apart. I could feel myself being taken a part from the seams and this is not a place anyone should find themselves.
So yeah, Death answered my unwritten letter in a way I didn’t expect, which when you get down to it is exactly what WitchCraft is about.
Over the next year I am going to focus on ME! On my writing, on my projects and on my desires to create positivity and love in the world. To anyone who reads this you can get on board or get the fuck out of my way because never again will I allow anyone ever to push me into doing something I don’t feel comfortable doing. Whether its drinking a particular kind of wine, or jumping out of a plane.
Oh! And the stick that Amanda had given me? I lost it after I left the cab in front of my house. Or it left me. Either way it did exactly what it was supposed to do. So thank you Amanda, I truly appriciate that.