I honestly thought by screaming the words “I am a survivor” at the top of my lungs I would be done with suffering at the hands of the men and women who abused me. I honestly thought that by claiming myself a survivor I could let go and move on, but the truth is that these stories, these memories don’t just go away because you’re tired of dealing with them.
It takes a lot of internal work and a lot of purging to be able to look back and say “yes that happened, and it sucked but I’m over it.”
I’m not over it. I am not going to just suddenly wake up one day and have those memories fade. I’ve been going around screaming I’m a survivor for so long I almost believe it but that’s not really true.
Yes it happened and no it can’t hurt me any more but these memories hold me back, they hold you back, they hold us back.
I started this blog with the intent to record my journey from last year to this year and I’d say spiritually I’ve come a long away.
I am a lot more careful and thoughtful about the things I say and do now. I am more careful about the kinds of people I spend time with and the kind of people I give my love to.
I am making healthy connections with people around the world and now I am ready to share my story. Not in a “this happened and I’m going to gloss over it” kind of way, but in a real honest to Goddess’ truth filled way.
I’ve been thinking about re-doing a sex blog for so long because I think it is important that we talk about sex and sexuality – I think that we’re not having the conversations we should about what is okay and what is not, and I don’t just mean touching vs not touching. I mean in reality what is okay.
What is okay to say and to do?
We often talk about how women should wear whatever the hell they want, and boys should be taught not to rape. We don’t talk about women who rape boys, we don’t talk about boys raping other boys, we don’t talk about women who rape each other.
We don’t talk about words, we don’t talk about these things because we spend so much time focusing our rage on what things that Donald Trump has said we’re not actually, actively looking at our children and saying “Hey kid, this is some serious stuff you need to know, this happens and we want you to know we love you and no matter what it’s not your fault.”
More often than not children are raped and abused – physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually and they don’t speak up. They don’t speak up because abusers are very good at putting the fear of god into their victims and by the time we do speak up it’s too late.
I have decided to keep my Survivor Blog separate from this one, because this blog is about celebrating my present. It’s about enriching myself with culture and life and love – it’s about seeing how far I’ve come and being proud of who I am now.
My Survivor Blog is my offering to the sex, sexuality, abuse victim and survivor conversation. It is my hope that some young girl or boy will read it and have the courage to speak up. You can follow it here. It is without a doubt the hardest, most raw writing of my entire life. I am terrified not of how you my beautiful readers will react, but about whether or not I will be able to finish it…to purge myself of the darkness that has haunted me my entire life.
With all my love