Dear Crazy $@^&% It’s totally inappropriate for You to be Such a Jerk

I’ve often thought about the secrets hidden behind the doors of my neighbors. I’ve often wondered what kind of people some of them are. I’ve often thought “how fun would it be if you could just be a fly zipping around watching people as they really are, instead of as they pretend to be.”

That is, I used to.

Recently I read a post Called Some Assholes Don’t Deserve The Welcome Wagon and I cannot honestly agree more.

There is across from my house a little blue house and a little yellow house. The colors of the houses used to be reversed. The little Blue house used to be yellow and was filled with a nice quiet family of about twelve, (which is silly because no way was there enough room.) who never made a sound or hurt a fly. The little Yellow House used to be blue and was filled with annoying drunks who never shut up.

Now the houses are in reverse order and the little Yellow house is filled with a woman I consider a second (third or twelfth mother depending on who’s counting at this point) and her husband who’s sort of a fatherish type to me.

The little Blue house is filled with a man and woman we all used to be friends with. Until you know, as people do, they went FUCKING MENTAL.

No Joke.

From the moment they moved in they started causing drama. First they didn’t want to share the laundry with the neighbors living behind them in the converted apartment.

Keep in mind the little old lady who was living there – had moved in first, and every time these nasty people made an issue of the laundry she’d get stressed out and end up in E.R. This behavior continued until her death. May she rest in peace, Mary was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

Shortly after Miss Mary passed away the husband of this nasty duo started going in and out of E.R. and this nasty crazy woman started blaming my “adopt-a-mama” saying that she was giving him drugs under the table.

Turns out the couple of nasty were over medicating him – she was slipping drugs into his food because she “thought he wasn’t taking his medication.”

No. Seriously.

The other day I was walking by and both these creepy freaks were standing in their eight feet tall sunflower seed stalks noses pressed to the fence watching me talk to my friend/adopt-a-mama and continued as I walked by on the way to the store. So I told them they were so creepy, flat out – this is creepy abnormal behavior.

Normal people don’t stand in window’s staring at you.

Over the last several months they have made bullshit complaints about their neighbors, refused to share laundry, hell they won’t even share the damn drive way. They’re so bad they’ve been calling Bi-Law on Papa saying he’s doing illegal mods on various cars, they have too many people living on their side of the property – basically anything and everything to drive us all crazy.

The other night was the last straw.

The other night they called the police on ME.

Apparently they told the police that I sit on my balcony staring at them while sipping my coffee and send “thugs” into their back yard.

First off I do not currently know any “Thugs”. Secondly My balcony faces their property so there’s really one option for me to face. My only other choice is to face a piece of land with dead trees.

Now here’s the thing. There’s a rumor that there was once a murder on my balcony right before I moved in. I’ve lived here for seven years and I’ve been out on the balcony a total of eight times in those seven years.

I have dead plants out there because I honestly don’t like being out there.

So here’s how the other night went.

I came back from the store and started making dinner. Around eight-thirty I see a flashing light on my balcony and thinking someone is about to jump it and break in I start screaming “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”  It was only then I realized it was a police officer.

This means they had to wait and watch for me to get home before calling the police because they knew I wasn’t at home.

When he got here he of course laughed and said it was a bullshit call – mom says I should ignore it but honestly it’s still annoying bullshit.

It’s not fair.

I’m a pretty good neighbor and I unlike “some” people I could name am not “entirely” infuckingsane.

I’ve had to deal with bad neighbors before but nothing quite like this – I do admit though it felt pretty satisfying to hear the police officer tell my crazy neighbors if they want peace they should just move out.

So Dear Jigs, I totally understand your pain….but at least you just had to repaint your door.

Apparently it’s less creepy for the sixty something year old man to be staring out his window at me every time I move around my apartment than it is for me to sit on my freshly redone balcony having a cup of coffee.

War has been declared ladies and gentlemen….and Halloween is just around the corner.

All my love,