I’ve been thinking a lot about “Boss Women”. Women who are successful in their careers or women who are working at making the world and the world around themselves a better place. Women who are strong independent amazing women who enjoy being apart of a sisterhood rather than tearing one down.
Until recently I was convinced I had several Boss Women in my life. Women I’ve written about before actually – women I admired, loved, and cherished.
Until I realized that these women don’t love me – in fact to them I am not even an afterthought.
The more I began to think about it the more I realized it was time to quietly pull away and wish them the best.
I’ve recently been accused of lying about an abuser – by a mutual friend who calls herself his sister.
The more I thought about the fact that no matter what I said or how many photo’s I could offer up from my time with that man, she would never believe me, the more I realized that I had to walk away. Even though I love her, even though I hold no anger towards her, I could not in my heart trust anyone who would accuse me of such an atrocity.
There is a lot I could say about these women I thought were my friends – little of it good, but why bother?
I am not angry at them, I have no real reason to be. Is that a sign of my maturity? My understanding and acceptance of finally being able to make rational adult decisions not based on emotion?
Is the lesson here that after all the abuse I am finally coming to terms with what happened and learning to think with my head instead of my usual emotional disconnection to the world around me?
I have spent a great deal just, thinking, lately.
Several months ago I asked a woman whom I considered a friend to come onto my youtube channel and have a live conversation with me about sex and sexuality. She said she’d think about it about a month before she started advertising her own channel on yup you guessed it, sex and sexuality.
I was highly offended – in fact I was downright pissed off.
Not because she’s expanding her brand. No, go hard, I’m proud of her. I’m less proud she’s taken my idea and essentially stolen it, to enhance her brand.
Without even talking to me.
It shows a clear disregard and disrespect for the kindness, friendship, support and love I’ve shown her. Ironically, it was me that told her to start her blog to begin with.
I have spent a great deal of time trying to inspire others. Sometimes I look at something I know I have inspired and I smile quietly because I know the person who created the end result is genuinely a good person who appreciates my input.
Other times I get incredibly frustrated because my idea has been stolen and used to make someone else’s life or job easier.
I can count on one hand the number of true female friends I have – I can count on seventy hands the women who refuse to be friendly with me unless it directly benefits them in some way.
I’m over it.
I am over needing the acceptance of others. It doesn’t enrich my life in any way. You can love me, you can hate me, I really just truly do not give a fuck any more.
It’s such a freeing feeling.
I met a woman the other day online and we got to talking about sex.
She’s a confirmed bisexual woman in her sixties who undeniably enjoys sex in all it’s wonderful forms, including but not limited to cybersex.
I laughed and told her I now realize how much I never believed that Grannies loved sex. “And I can run miles around those young bitches” she replied.
That was the moment. That was the moment that I realized we wait all our lives to get to the point of no return. To come to the final stages of our lives when we no longer care about what other people think about us.
The women of the 90’s will understand.
Joss Whedon (You had to know this was coming) spent more than five years putting Buffy into situations where she ended up being alone. She had “No weapons, no hope, no friends” all so she could realize she was stronger than she ever thought.
At the end of the show even though Buffy was surrounded by people she finally began to understand that if she ever wanted to be happy she had to explore the world on her own. She had to force the people around her to stop depending on her.
I have spent a good portion of my life working to make other people’s lives better and I don’t regret a second of it. I have defended, protected, and taken care of all those around me and over the last week I have had not one person I know call to see how I am doing or check up on me.
No one has invited me out or considered that maybe I could use a “hi how are you” phone call.
I am okay with this, only because it’s my own fault.
By surrounding myself with selfish people I have in fact set myself up to be alone.
Well here I stand. All by myself. Not broken, not shattered not even sad.
I am okay with the fact that the people I have loved do not, never have or probably never will love me back.
It just means I am free to do whatever the fuck I please.
Without regrets, and without wondering how they are going to feel when I finally become a Boss Woman in my own right.
Without guilt shame or fear of anyone or anything.
Now isn’t that something to be grateful for?!