I’m not perfect and I’m not going to attempt to be

Let me start this off by saying this.   I’ve talked about this before but apparently it needs more clarification.

IMG_20160701_210008You do not know me. You cannot possibly know me because I don’t even know me. I’m trying harder to get to know myself than you ever will because you are justifiably trying to get to know yourself. As it should be. 

It doesn’t matter how many tweets of mine you read or how many times you read this blog you will never know me because I like everyone else on the planet has secrets that I may or may not ever share with you.

I used to think that my letting people in was a privilege that they should respect. I suppose because I let so few people in, to a certain extent that might be true if you however disagree I am okay with that.

A few nights ago I was at an event that led me to meeting some truly wonderful people – and seeing people (from Twitter) I do not have the chance to see often. I realized then and there in a certain moment that someone I was genuinely pleased to see, was not quite as pleased to see me.

A year ago, hell a month ago I would have been hurt by that. The truth is I don’t actually care that much. Is that selfish? Probably. Do I care? Nope.

I have (much like yourself) earned the right to be selfish with my time. To surround myself with people who want to be around me. To be my true self regardless of what other people think about me.

There has been (mostly on Twitter and by several college students I know) The recent use of the term “Cis Gender”. My refusal to use this term in respect to my “orientation” angers some people. Get over it.

I’ve been a Straight – Bi Curious Kinky woman for over twenty years. I’m not inclined to change now just because the term “Cis Gender” makes you feel more comfortable. I’ve earned that right.

A beautiful young artist that I follow online and have had the pleasure of meeting at various events made some amazing art for the Youth 4 A Change that I have been dying to introduce to you.

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Caroline has  through her own life’s journey inspired me to accept that there’s nothing actually wrong with me enjoying KINK or accepting that I am what I am and I can’t change it.

When I first met Caroline she identified as a lesbian. I was neither surprised nor all that interested when she later entered into a relationship (An incredibly healthy one from what I’ve seen) with a man.  I wasn’t interested because Caroline is happy with her life – and oddly (I know right?) As long as this person I love is happy, to me that is all that matters.

I was surprised and angry when I looked at her social media and saw the volume of hate directed at a young woman who has achieved so much and yet is still trying to find herself.

In my case I am a thirty three year old woman who is known by nearly everyone in this City. Either because of Anonymous, or because I’ve been in the paper or on the radio – or because of who my mother is. Plenty of politicians, police officers and news reporters just to name a few think they “know me.”

When JayMack9 was killed I found out via Twitter via a reporter who wanted my reaction. Before I knew it my entire social media life – facebook, twitter, instagram were covered in reporters wanting me to comment. A personal post I’d written on Syndenial.com (now gone) had been taken from a reporter from Vice without my permission after I told her I wanted no part of her story.

We live in a society that believes that we can have whatever we want. As Faith once said in a long forgotten episode of Buffy “See it, Want it, Take it…Have.”

Maybe I’m still from the Buffy side of the tracks – maybe I’m naive but I truly believe that the person you see on the internet is the person I want you to see. Perhaps it’s time I end that cycle.

My Twitter Account has recently reached over 700 followers.

First off thank you – I appriciate the fact that there are 700 people on this planet who seem to think what I have to say matters.

Secondly, what the fuck is so interesting about me? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly anxious about receiving attention. Even at the art show I stayed as far away from the pieces that I’d painted as I could. I didn’t mind being there, I didn’t mind having them there but I didn’t want to hear anyone’s thoughts or listen to any of their questions – I didn’t want to have to explain myself.

It took Caroline a long time to stop giving a voice to the people that she knew from School and the real world. It took her a long time to stop giving a voice to those who called her a whore, slut, tramp and told her she was going to hell. To stop giving a voice to those who abused and shamed her – not because they actually cared but because they wanted to rage and rant at someone.

It’s taken me a long time to understand that part of the reason that I enjoy Sapiosexuality, Bondage and Domination stems from the lack of control I have over my own life – and yes even from the abuse I suffered as a child.

It has taken me a long time to stop feeling ashamed of the things I like to do in private – which is ironic when I’m one of the many voices screaming at you all to be proud of yourselves no matter who you are.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve been so ashamed. Perhaps it stems from the fact that for a very long time I equated Domination with abuse (VERY UNHEALTHY SIGN BY THE WAY) and thus was in a very real sense was re-victimizing myself over and over again.

As I write this I realize that to a certain extent being Dominated for me was really about reliving the abuse over and over again. 

If that doesn’t make sense to you pick up a book.

This kind of submission is incredibly dangerous not only to the psyche, but also to the Dominant. It takes trust and openness to have a healthy strong relationship based in BDSM and these are not things I was not (still am not really) willing or ready to offer to anyone.

Understandable I’d say giving what I’ve been through.

The problem with self victimization is that you are not just hurting yourself – you’re hurting the men and women you enter into a relationship with. They end up thinking they’ve done something wrong. They end up thinking that they have crossed a line when in reality it was you who didn’t step up and say “Hey enough is enough Bright red Time to stop.”

The same can be said in any area of your life. Your boss, your parents, your friends. If you don’t have the guts to step up and say “Hey fuck off I don’t like this” then they won’t stop.

In my case I usually wait until I get so angry and frustrated with any kind of relationship that I wait until either my life or sanity is in danger before I step up and stand up for myself. By this time it has gotten so bad I need to end all contact with someone – ending relationships that as I look back in some cases, could have been saved.

Many people seem to think they know me. What they don’t know is that the lion’s roar is really more of a new born kitten either screaming for help or doing a great impersonation.

You think you know me because of Twitter, because of my blog.

You don’t know me any more than I know you.

The difference is I’ll genuinely try to get to know you, can you honestly say the same? Can you step up and say “Yes Dolly I want you a part of my life – I know you’ve been through hell and I’m willing to wade through the bullshit because you’re worth it.” ? If not then chances are you will never know me.

I won’t waste my, or your, time giving you the chance to get to know me.

Go on assuming though, if it makes you feel better.

In the last twenty four hours I’ve been called a whore a fake and other lovely names. The truth is I am a lot of things. I am not a lot of things.

I will not allow you to label me. Define me. Judge me. I sure as fuck refuse to feel guilty because you dislike being thrown on the carpet and having some truth tossed your way.

The number 1 lesson I learned about myself is that my emotional development stopped the moment that the abuse started.

I had to learn to love myself and it took me nearly twenty years – I had to learn to trust and I am still not there. I wish I was the soft spoken super sexy lovely kind person that everyone seems to gravitate to but I’m not.

I’m the kitten with a lion’s roar – I’m imperfect and impossible. I’m impatient and stubborn and I like routine and order. It’s the only way I know how to live. If you can’t accept that feel free to walk away if you can then I welcome you with open arms.

I understand in a profound way by publicly denying (so to speak) my true self, I was doing myself more harm than good.

Understanding your sexuality and your sexual desires are a huge part of your psyche. The more you deny them the more unhappy you become. It took me a long time to realize this and to understand that it is perfectly healthy to experiment and enjoy my sexuality and desires.

To anyone and everyone who has ever suffered from abuse I actually am available to talk or to listen. I would never -ever- turn away from you but I won’t let you feel sorry for yourself either.

If I can offer you any advice from the bottom of my heart, it’s don’t follow in my footsteps. Don’t take every single step that leads you down into a darker and darker hole.  Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It’s never too late to find yourself, if you have the courage to look. Don’t stay in a relationship because it “might” get better.

If it sucks now chances are it will probably always suck – I wish I was sorry to tell you this but I’m not – you need to hear it. It’s okay to love someone even when they do not or cannot love you back. It’s not okay to let anyone force you to be less than what you are because things “might” get better.

I don’t know if my way is the right way but I do know that it’s a hell of a lot harder not dealing with the shit and letting it go.

If you’d like to follow Caroline and see more of her art (Please encourage her to do more!!!) you can follow her  @CarolineDoerksen or on Tumblr @nexttimeyoukissdoitinfrench

If you or someone you know is suffering from any form of abuse I highly recommend you seek help. I would love to offer some suggestions but I honestly do not know anyone I’d trust enough to recommend. I can suggest before you settle on just “Anyone” you take the time to interview them. Not every shrink/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist will be the right one for you.