Fear

I have recently been made aware just through my own self journey that this blog is quickly becoming an important part of my life.

For a long time I wrote my blog posts in places very few people read them. I suppose hiding myself from the blogging community was my way of hiding myself.

When I quit my job I deleted my dot com because it didn’t make sense to be paying for something I really couldn’t afford.

So I started all over again. I started this (not so) new blog and began my writing journey in a place other writers and lovers of life lessons would see it.

It seems that lately I have had a new life lesson every week. The interesting thing about that is that when I was working I was too damn busy to think about my life in a way that mattered.

I was so angry and miserable all the time that I didn’t have the energy or time to think about what the Universe was trying to teach me each week.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about fear.

I wrote this on Sean’s “Upside Strength” group but I thought I would share it here.

I learned something about myself and I thought I would share it because I don’t often have life lessons about health come my way so here goes.

Near my house there is a park that i often walk my dog in, from start to finish it takes about an hour – or it used to to go straight then down hill back up and straight home again.

The thing is since I started getting my anemia under control again we’ve been walking a lot more which means that the walk that used to take 45-60 minutes is now taking about 20-30 minutes. At first this seemed great. It means I have more energy and am feeling better, but also means I need to challenge myself more. I need to push myself harder, and the truth is I am afraid.

I’m scared because 2 years ago when I was working out in the gym all the time I was passing out – there were fears of heart attacks and misdiagnoses that went on for the last several months. I know that at some point if I am going to lose weight and continue to get health(ier) I need to push myself and go back to doing weights, to lifting and stretching more and working harder pushing my muscles further than they have gone in the last two years but I am scared.

So that’s my revelation. I am afraid that I will push myself too hard out of the gate and end up back tracking two years. However now that I understand why I haven’t been pushing myself I recognize that it’s time to let go of the fear and just do it.

I’ve learned a few other things about fear this week.

I have been holding on to past relationships like a beloved childhood teddy bear. The abusive manipulative dark hearted men that I used to date are still with me to this day. It’s not about forgiveness or even letting go.

It’s about reminding myself daily that not every man is going to hit me or hurt me.

I hate the idea of dating. More than anything in the world the idea of finding a man that might turn into a boyfriend terrifies me.

Knowing that I have recently tried online dating. Purely because I am so tired of going out alone, and not having anyone to have top secret jokes and memories with. So this is the first result.

Screenshot_2

He started tonight’s conversation bitching about his job, his ex girl friend and how much he wanted a beer.

Followed by begging me to come to his house, after I said no he went on about how I don't have a job.

Followed by begging me to come to his house, after I said no he went on about how I don’t have a job.

Within a twenty four hour period he called me a weirdo, a party girl and snapped at me for deciding not to go to his house. The house of a stranger, a man I’d never met before.

I know that not all men are like this but it occurs to me that these are the kind of men I constantly am attracted to. I have to ask myself why.

I have to genuinely stop and think about why it is that I constantly am inviting these men into my world. I’ll never forget my friend Angel looking at me one night and shaking his head. “You’re so much better than that trash honey.” I never really stopped to think about that before but I will now.

I’ve been asking myself all week why it is that I am continuously pushing the good guys away and following the bad ones into self loathing and shame.

Do you know why? Because until just this moment I had no idea.

I do it because it’s my way of punishing myself. It’s my own version of S&M.

Mister (a wonderful amazing man out of Minneapolis) tells me it’s my own version of emotional self punishment.

The question now is why am I punishing myself for? What did I do that makes me believe that I deserve this kind of treatment? Intrinsically I know that no woman deserves to be lied to and manipulated, abused and hurt against her will. No person deserves that.

I truly believe that there is a reason behind all of our fears. A deep seeded reason that affects aspects of our lives that we don’t connect. It isn’t until we take a look at the center, our own gooey mushy center that we can see where these fears come from and which aspects of our lives they affect.

I want what I have never had. I want stability. I want to set down roots and know that at the end of the day when I come home my world my home is going to be a safe and protected place that no harm can come to.

Yet because I did not grow up with stability – because I grew up surrounded by chaos in nearly every aspect of my reality it’s what I feel comfortable with.

For me taking a risk in regards to my health means pushing my body to work harder, to move faster and longer. Making my muscles burn again.

It means trusting that the good guy is out there, that he will find me and that he won’t decide one day to put my head into a wall or throw me down the stairs.

It’s trusting Nick’s advice – the same advice that has been playing in my head for the last five years.

Not all men hit.

This weeks lesson is about fear. Accepting my fears is a part of changing my reality and I guess in the end that’s the reason for these weekly rambles about my life.

I’m okay with being afraid. With knowing that fear will always be a part of my life. I am not okay however with that fear controlling my life.

I assume this fear of men of working out isn’t going to vanish just because I’ve become aware of it this week, but at least I’ve put my acknowledgement of this fear into the universe.

As Swami once said “Once you give it up to the universe it can no longer control you.”

Te Amo

Devon

 

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2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. This is difficult to come to terms with, but you’re on the right path, love. Reflecting and acknowledging is a huge step in the right direction. You will find love- but don’t rush it. Get to know a few men as friends, interact, share stories, laugh. That might help you realize that not all men are violent and evil, and slowly dissipate the fear that they are. There are some great ones out there, I promise. Don’t rush it- love will come when it comes. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me. ❤

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