cs-depression-day-in-life-diary-charles-bivona-400This post is dedicated to Professor Charles Bivona. A man who has always inspired me without ever trying. 

I will never forget being ten years old and away at sleep away camp. A particularly nasty camp counselor said something I’ll never forget.

“I’m not an easy person to get along with. I have a few close friends who put up with my shit and I’m lucky to have them in my life.”

At the time I remember thinking how sad that is, now? I realize how much I have become like that girl.

I now at 33 have a few close people in my life who put up with my shit and I am lucky to have them in my world. 

Today Charles said something that I found incredibly perfect for someone who is celebrating a birthday.

Screenshot_1I think honestly that’s what we are all trying to do. We are fumbling around trying to figure out where we fit, how to belong. I am 33 years old and I don’t know my place in the world and to be perfectly honest I am okay with that. I have to be.

Thirteen years ago I was with an abusive man, he stole what little innocence I had and in a very real way changed the path my life could have taken. To this day I am still dealing with the fall out of how he treated me.

The other night I was talking to my friend Ryde (Pronounced RyDay) and we were talking about Tinder. I told her I had 0 interest in finding a “Relationship.” I’ve been saying that for years. The thing is that whenever I say that I am usually lying through my teeth.

I would love to open my heart and soul up to a man again. To let someone into my life and share it with him. To be a part of a couple with secret touches and kisses and looks. The problem is that I am terrified.

My relationships often don’t last longer than a few weeks because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it always has.

I’ve never responded before but in recent months Charles has opened up about the abusive of his father. Being that this man has spent six years taking me to school (He’s a Professor.) and inspiring me I’ve never expressed to him how much it meant to me that he understands that kind of abuse.

I’ve had to deal with that kind of shit my entire life. The fall out from an abusive absentee parent, the fear of men. The distrust of letting anyone get too close in case they decide to raise their fist or throw me down the stairs.

I remember once a friend telling me “You’re going to have to get over this fear some day, not all men hit.” I laughed. I laughed until tears streamed from my eyes. In my world yes they do. Not always with fists, or feet. Sometimes with words or lies or manipulations but in my world every man I’ve let get myself get intimate with has been someone that in some way has broken another piece of me away. Now it’s just easier to close myself off and not let anyone in.

The thing is that it’s only been in the last couple of days I’ve been able to take a serious hard look at my life and realize some stupid easy things to understand.

  1. I am not broken but I am not whole either. I’m waiting for something special and when it comes I will know it, until then? All of this is the Universe preparing me to be ready for it.
  2. I spent nearly ten years asking for strength to deal with all the shit in my life, not realizing just how strong I am.
  3. I am not perfect, I am not skinny but I am beautiful. I have learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.
  4. I have Anemia, I have anxiety and I suffer from depression. This is okay. I am learning how to deal with these issues and that’s okay.

I am strong and beautiful and I have fought wars within myself that most people will never know.

My mom often accuses me of putting everything out on the internet, this is not entirely true. If I did you’d all have a very different idea of who I am.

No. I am not a person with a thousand friends. I do not exude love with every step I take. I have people I admire and adore like Caroline who I almost never see, or Jen. I have people I trust with my life like Kelly or Angel who I see on a rare basis.

I do not keep people at arms length I keep them miles away, because the further away they are the more I appriciate the time I get with them.

Today for the first time in what seems like forever, a young man whose name I cannot tell you for his protection posted a picture of himself three years apart.

When I first met this monster of a young man in an LGBTQ youth group he told me about his traditional Indo Canadian family. A Family that does not know he is a gay man. All these years later and they still do not know.

How lucky am I that I can be whoever I am and be accepted by those I love? I am privileged. I might be poor in money but in life? in love? I am truly blessed and isn’t that what life is supposed to be about?

Stargate SG1 fans and those who believe in real life Ascension say that in order to Ascend one must accept the things they cannot change and change the things they can, not with war but with love and with peace.

In a world filled with turmoil and hate and hurt, rage and anger and war we must all at least attempt to Ascend to a higher level of being.

We must all attempt to become higher beings. Beings of light and love of laughter and acceptance. Of each other and most importantly of ourselves.

They say that Trees are Sentient beings. Life forms that have been upon this earth for thousands of years. They have seen and heard things we humans will never begin to understands. Have you ever listened to the wind whisper between the trees? you might hear something important.

This is the lesson that I give to you today on your birthday Professor Bivona. Listen to the whisper of the wind upon the trees. Remember that it is okay to not be strong all the time. To break every now and then. It is those breaks those cracks and those moments of weakness that bring clarity and strength. They remind us that we are human and there is no greater gift upon this earth than that.

Happy Birthday my friend. Thank you for always, being the light at the end of the tunnel even when you didn’t know that is what you were doing.

With all my love,