What is My Recovery?

When I was working at the Church a few years ago I participated in Narcotics Anonymous. For many people it worked. They found freedom and success. I found jealousy, anger, resentment and a bunch of people that weren’t what they appeared to be.

It took me a long time to realize that my sickness my addiction was not drugs and alcohol but chaos.

When I was growing up my step-father was a drug addicted abusive dealer. From what I remember as a child he sold weed I do not know if he sold anything else. I do know however that my early childhood was filled with chaos.

As some of you may know I’ve been dealing with Severe Anemia over the last several months. This has caused other underlying issues to make my quality of life rather uncomfortable.

One of the things I noticed is that many of the people I would spend months at a time hanging out with, haven’t called to check on me or ask how I’m doing.

It’s not been a secret. We’re on each others Facebook, if they cared they could send me a message, or a text ask how I’m doing.

Yesterday I ran into a wonderful man I met in NA whom I absolutely adore. He asked me how I am doing. I find I tend to see this man whenever I am in need of a boost of positivity and love.

He asked if he’d see me at any future meetings. I said no.

I am not an addict in the traditional sense. I do not need drugs and alcohol to have a good time or to relax. I have been known to order a glass and have less than half a sip. I do not need booze no.

What I need  needed is to be surrounded by people. I needed to feel like I was sitting with a group of people who cared and mattered and thought that I mattered.

When I ran into a “club friend” he asked why I haven’t been around and if I’d be showing up any time soon. “No” I said quietly. “I no longer need the zoo.”

I am not like those people. I do not need to drink to get drunk and then do coke so I can drink more.

I do not need the chaos any more. What I need is to surround myself with people who love and cherish me who respect and inspire me. Who I can inspire.

What I need is to love. To be loved. I am learning that it is okay to be alone and for the first time ever I truly believe that.

I would rather be alone and happy then in a group of people I need to get drunk to enjoy.

That being said there are some wonderful people that I miss spending time with, my usual circle of friends excluded it’s the random strangers I don’t need or desire to be arou

I caught myself lying there. I could remove that line but then it would degrate my point here.

I’ve been sick and in and out of hospital and I can count on one hand the number of people that have been sending me messages of love and hope and prayers for better health.

Only 2 of these are people I used to go out and party with. (You two women know who you are I love you.)

My rock Bottom is sitting in a group of people who’s company makes me desire drink. I think I’ve had maybe 2 glasses of wine in the last four months. Mostly I drink water with my dinner these days.

A few weeks ago someone sent me a message over Facebook. “I almost got into a fight protecting your dumb ass” she said.

That pisses me off to no end. I didn’t ask anyone to get into a fight to protect me. This person got into a fight because they were in the mood to get into a fight and my personal drama (that I didn’t ask for, didn’t instigate and didn’t want mind you) gave them an excuse to fight.

My friend Alicia a woman I’ve known for ten years came to the hospital with me last week. She sat by my side held my hand and then waited with me. When we went to the mall to await my prescription at the pharmacy she sat down with me when I couldn’t breath, stood by my side when I needed her and made me promise to contact her when I was home so she’d know I was safe.

This is a woman dealing with MS, a woman who I have always taken care of – or at least tried to I hope I have. When we were younger she was the little sister, she was the baby, and she’s been through hell. Here she was taking care of me.

I’ve had that so rarely that I can’t remember another person ever doing that before. I don’t have the words to thank her for being there for me when I needed her the most.

My personal rock bottom is internal. I am not ashamed of my past. I am not haunted by it, not really. I look back and smile at my old self and nod and say yup we’ve gotten this far.

I have hope in ways I can’t explain. I know that the next few years of my life will bring more pain and probably some suffering, but also love and new adventures and I am excited for that.

That being said don’t think I have it all figured out I don’t. I sat on my couch filled with pain killers bawling my eyes out screaming about how unfair life was just yesterday. I just like everyone else sink into self depression and self pity every now and then too but I admit..I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life.

Maybe “Rock Bottom” doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe it can be a positive experience.

Then again. Maybe I’m crazy.

What was your rock bottom?

Te Amo



This post was inspired by the beautiful and amazing  Darla Halyk. Thank you for sharing your stories and being open enough to let your writing change your life.