I want you to know I have been where you are.
I too have felt the sting of having my innocence stolen.
I too learned the hard way that my body belongs to whatever male counterpart wishes to use it according to his desire or will – regardless of how I feel about it.
I too know what it is like to feel isolated and alone – to have people wish I would just “get over it”
I too wore heavy clothing to hide my body afraid that showing the tiniest hint of cleavage would inspire a man to grab, touch, grope or rape me.
I too have felt the sting of not being able to hug shake a hand kiss or touch another human being afraid of giving them the wrong impression.
I too have been terrified that smiling too much or too little will give away my personal thoughts of fear or disgust.
I too have felt like everyone can look at me and see, everyone knows that I am somehow different, broken and damaged, deflowered and impure.
I too have been ashamed of the moments, the tiny moments of pleasure I received during sex in fear that it made past rapes and abuses less real.
I too have been afraid of letting any man touch me, in even the tiniest ways because he might get aggressive and push too hard.
I too learned the hard way that it wasn’t my fault.
I too learned the hard way that it’s okay to accept myself, body mind and spirit.
I too learned the hard way that sexual pleasure is not a bad thing. I too learned the hard way that it’s okay to enjoy sexual encounters without feeling guilty about my past.
I am sorry that you feel alone. I am so sorry that you feel broken and isolated, that you feel ashamed and sad but I want you to know, you are not alone. You are not broken you are slightly damaged and it will get better.
I know that it is hard to look at the world with the rose colored glasses we were born with. We have lost our naivete, our innocence. We have lost to a certain extent, a part of our freedom.
We see the world in a different light now. Shadows and darkness, and while we cannot escape the darkness we see we can however decide not to live in it. This is a lesson I am trying to remind myself of every day. Every day is a battle to live in the light, even though the darkness is so comforting, so easy to slide into.
I admit I am on the prepuces I am living in the dark and as I write this for you I realize it is as much for myself.
You are not alone.
I am not alone.
We Are not alone.
With all my love,