The first story that I ever wrote was for a provincial exam. It was a short story about a girl who finds out she’s actually an alien and meets her real alien parents when they come to take her to her true home.
After that, life happened. I was beaten, abused, and be it the universe or human nature I was one of the millions of children that fell through the cracks. In every way that mattered I was isolated and left to my own devices. Though many people came at me with the pretense of wanting to help me, I look back now and realize that help was offered only on the terms of those offering it.
If what other people suggested didn’t work for me, then they lost all interest in helping me. If I devised something that worked better I was often told I was wrong, or that I was making things up.
For years as a young girl I suffered from terrible headaches which we now know was due to needing to have my wisdom teeth removed. For years and years my teeth actually go so bad that people would often think I was making it up when I said I was sick or didn’t feel well.
Hindsight is twenty twenty.
For many years I would often ask myself and those around me, “Am I crazy or did things actually go the way that I think they did?” Until one day my friend Shane looked me in the eyes and said “Stop asking that, life is about perception, if that’s how you see things, then that is how it happened.” It took me a long time to start trusting my instincts, I honestly think had my “Swami Shane” not come into my life I would still be looking back at old memories thinking I had made it up or that I was incorrect about certain events.
There is a debilitating crippling feeling in thinking that you are -always- wrong, or that you are never certain about something because everyone around you is telling you that you are mistaken.
It’s terrifying when you realize that people around you see that behavior before you do and take advantage of it. I look at my life today and I can see a lot of people who realized much earlier than I did, that I was so unsure of myself they could get away with doing whatever they wanted and I’d let them, too afraid to stand up for myself, or to see things as they actually were.
I don’t even know now if I am describing it right.
The world according to Syn is something that I am only just now discovering. When I write about Adara often times I am writing about myself, though her life is different than mine, her underlying issues are similar.
Today I am inspired, almost every day, the difference between today and five years ago, hell even a year ago is that when I am inspired I actually take the words and put them into the universe. I am painting the universe with my words, I am in my own way creating music.
I once had a friend, a former friend say “you are not an artist, you just can’t understand the way our minds work.” My heart broke a little when he said that. I always considered writing an art form in of itself. When I was in elementary I wrote my very first poem, called “Love is like a Waterfall”, it went like this:
Love is like a waterfall
It ebbs, and it flows
It bumps and it rocks
It’s fast and it is slow
Love is like a waterfall.
A third grade
The substitute teacher told me that I should pick life because at such a young age I couldn’t possibly understand love.
When I was doing my podcast Radio Free Voice I held back a lot of times because I had a partner who was very much an intellectual thinker. He loved RFV And wanted to turn it into a business, for me it was just another way to share my voice. Except that I didn’t. I actually held back and hid the parts of myself that made RFV entertaining and successful to begin with because my partner would often tell me it was bad for business, ultimately it was my not listening to my instincts that destroyed my love and desire to continue on with Radio Free Voice.
These are dangerous things to say to a soul. I say soul not human because telling someone what they aren’t, no matter the age, especially when you call yourself a friend or are supposed to be inspiring them can destroy that soul to the very core.
It took me a lot of years to get past these things – these people who told me what I wasn’t or could not be.
It wasn’t until Swami gave me the quote that I currently live by:
“If when you wake in the morning, all you can think about doing is writing, than you are a writer” ― Rainer Maria Rilke. That quote changed my life, as did the other one I live by, “Live as if the world were what you should be, to show it what it can be.” That was from an episode of “Angel” staring David Boreanaz and written by Joss Whedon. He of course was talking to his son Conner (The same name as my would have been son) in an episode called “Why We Fight”
If I ever have the honor of meeting Joss Whedon I will hug him and tell him how much that simple line changed my life. It pointed me in the direction that I am now moving towards.
I wish I could tweet it to him, or call him up on the phone and let him know how he inspires me.
Inspiration is not something you can measure or quantify, it comes from a million moments in time that you have to pull from, that change your life in ways you don’t actually see until you are able to look back and check on with a clear mind.
I want to thank each of you who read this blog, who give me a re-tweet on twitter who follow me and who send me letters telling me how much you like my writing. You inspire me, it hasn’t been an easy journey but as Sandra Bullock said in “Divine Secrets of the YA-YA Sisterhood” “If I had had an easy life I’d have nothing to write about.” Isn’t that the fucking truth?
Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it isn’t supposed to be chaos free, because if it was we’d have nothing to appriciate. I might not have sold a book yet, I may not be rich or famous or have tons of anything, but I am a success. I can honestly say that I haven’t woken up wanting to die in months. For me that is a huge success, a phenomenal amazing success. I don’t want to die today.
I am in fact as I once said to my former friend Jana, “Not in the mood to die today, check back tomorrow.” I hope that in my life there will be a thousand tomorrows, for now just having today is enough. And isn’t that amazing as fuck?!
Your turn, What inspires you? What moments do you look back on and think “Whoa?”