If I Die Tomorrow

Recently someone I truly love and adore (not something I’ll ever admit again so enjoy it now.) lost someone who was terribly close to him.

I think that even though he might never admit it, losing her has rocked Ace to his absolute core.

So I wanted to write this now in case by some cruel toss of fate, I might actually die one day.

Know that I loved you. Know that if I ever said the words “I love you” to you personally, or to a group of you, that I genuinely meant it. I never lie about love.

Know that I am probably not married to Chris Evans and I am (probably) terribly disappointed by this.

I actually detest that I was ever apart of Anonymous – though I admire and respect the people who were that were amazing enough to make a difference.

YoKalli is my fucking hero. Even in my death his secrets will remain secrets, but I want you to know if you ever have the chance to speak to this person, to share a laugh with him, to look him in the eye, he is one of those rare gems who has changed the world in ways you will never know about. I fucking love you. With all my heart. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for everything you have done.

Barrie Hall you are my king. My friend, the only man I have ever truly loved in any kind of healthy way, thirteen years (and I’m hoping at least another 13). I am so proud of the man you have become of the person you are I am honored to know you. You are always there 100% when I need you and have no where else to go or no one else to call I know you will always have been there. I love you.

Kelly, you’re fucking amazing. You are a Goddess. Thank you.

Ace. I fell in love with the ghost of the man that you shared with the world. Your words inspire me, if it hadn’t been for you I honestly don’t think I’d ever consider really opening up to sharing my soul. I honestly pray that those who actually take the time to read your blog or have a real heart to heart with you appriciate the fact that when you choose to share yourself, which is far less often than you should, it truly is a fucking gift. You make me a better writer. You make me a better person. There’s a weird irony in that, but not really.

Kim Rhodes, you crazy insane amazingly beautiful woman. I don’t know you I can’t call you a friend, not really bu god damn you make me laugh so hard some days and cry others. Thank you for all you do that the world doesn’t even know about. Yeah, I know. I KNOW ALL.

Charles Bivona. You amazing, creative artistic bastard. I will never be able to express how much you have taught me over the years.

Swami, Thank you. For saving my life and leaving me with life long lessons that have given me the ability to stick around.

Joss Whedon. Everything I’ve ever written is in one way or another a direct result of what you have created. It is because of you that I hope one day to be the kind of writer you would be proud to inspire.

Tineh, You fucking crazy bastard. I know what you did. I know how you changed the world, you are a fucking hero. You were the voice of millions and no one will ever know or appriciate that. Thank you for being apart of something that woke the planet.

Spyc0 You are the prettiest boy that ever lived. I loved you.

Mom. You crazy psychotic insane bitch. There are days. And then there are moments, when I am so proud to be your daughter, to be the insane crazy psychotic witch you created. Thank you.

Hunter. I loved you.

Doug. I was in love with you.

If your name isn’t here it isn’t that I didn’t (don’t) love you it’s that the idea of telling you who are closest to me, who live within the distance of a phone call or a hug, breaks my heart. I refuse to say goodbye to you, not yet. I just don’t have the words.

There are a million times in my life that I can look back on and say I was depressed and angry, few times I can look back on and smile. But if the time comes when I die too early I want you to know, that you must always smile. Life is too depressing if you can’t find one thing to smile over.

Don’t be afraid. Be crazy, dye your hair get a tattoo, travel – I haven’t done any of that in my life time, travel I mean and it’s my one regret. If I die before I travel then I demand that Ace take my body on a trip around the world – he’d be the only one who might truly understand the pain I’ve had to suffer and the only one who might appriciate the trip as much as I would have.

Don’t be afraid to be stupid. If you want to post ridiculous videos of yourself on youtube, do it don’t ever let anyone tell you not to. You might never get the chance again.

Create. Whatever you are doing, wherever you go, manifest and create something, anything, a painting a rock statue a poem, but always create something because your legacy is in the people you inspire not the awards or money you receive. Your legacy is the tiny moments that no one else may never know about, not in the big ones everyone sees.

Do 1 good thing that isn’t about you.

And never forget,

live as if the world were what it should be to show it what it can be.

Inspiring others to do better, be better, smarter, stronger, wiser, is the only way we can ever change the world.

Just ask the Arab Spring.

Here’s to hoping I don’t die any time soon, All my love