Bitter

I wake up today to a beautiful sunrise, actually it was after sunrise but there you have it. I wake up and I think to myself, This is my life. Wake up, try to write, fail make breakfast, try to write, fail, play some Facebook games try to write, fail, make dinner, sleep. Somewhere in between I walk the dog.

This is my life now, but it wasn’t always my life.

My life before if I am being perfectly honest was about helping other people. It was about getting up every day knowing that I would meet someone who would need to find a place to live or get off drugs. My life was knowing that with a few phone calls I could do that. I could help change a life.

Today my life has 0 meaning and I am completely lost, utterly broken in my spirit. I am bitterly angry at the people I used to work for. So very angry.

For years I had to listen to my co-workers make comments about people who had been sexually abused, or physically abused. I had to listen to one co-worker in particular make derogatory comments about people in the LGBT community. I had to listen to them make judgement on my life while I was working ten times more hours they were working for less pay.

When I was working for a charity organization, I was getting paid for ten hours a week while most often working 40-60 hours a week.

The day I left the person who took over took twelve programs that I had put my heart and soul into – programs that I spent fifteen years preparing to put together and destroyed them.

“The Gay thing, we’re getting rid of that – the church doesn’t want it. And no more prison kids, it’s not our job to rehabilitate these punks.”

These words cut to my soul – it WAS, IS our job to give these kids a place to feel welcome and supported and loved. In less than a day, women’s program’s my upcoming men’s program and the youth group I had fought for for years to get going was cancelled.

Now I sit at home wondering what the hell I am supposed to do next. “Get a Job.” well yeah it’s easy to say but the thing is that, I don’t actually have any education to prove that I can do what I have been doing for fifteen years which means no one in my field will hire me.

“Go to School then.” With what money? “Get a student loan” I’m on disability so that means if I get a student loan I will lose my rent and grocery money which by the way isn’t so much.

As it is I’m looking at my fridge realizing that the few things I have to eat – a couple cans of soup, some bacon, a half bag of shredded cheese and no ability to replenish my pantry for another week.

It’s a scary place to be and not one I am unframiller with. Even when I was working for the betterment of others I was lived under the poverty line – I’ve never had an influx of cash.

At the moment I’m sitting here thinking “Well yes I could start a go-fund me and I could beg people around the world to help me out.” But the shame in that is just not something I am willing to deal with right now. I know that this too shall pass.

I also know that for fifteen years while I was trying to deal with all my own issues, my depression, anxiety and the PTSD of having been a sexual victim for so long the only reason I was able to put in all the hours I put in volunteering/working for a charity was because I was on disability.

Then it was over. Now I’m left wondering what I am supposed to do next. I want to write a novel but that just does not keep the lights on – the idea of going to work at McDonald’s knowing I am capable of so much more than that, knowing that my skills do not translate to very many places makes me want to commit suicide. I’m not there, I have no plans to kill myself, but I do admit I am spiritually broken right now.

I gave my life to an organization I believed wanted to better our community, I supported a group of people who no matter how hurtful, cruel, hateful, homophobic or judgmental they were. I always made sure if anyone needed anything, I was there to give it to them, and now I find myself completely alone, with no one saying “hey you’re out of a job come work with us we know you did great work.” So maybe I didn’t do such great work.

Maybe I’m getting exactly what I deserve, maybe I am totally irrelevant in the eyes of the people I love.

Well Fuck.

Now I just feel sad and I want to cry, so I’m going to do that.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

 

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