I have stolen this title from my dear twitter friend Charis, because I have some things to say that I just cannot possibly convey in real life to her face.
First and foremost you should know I met Charis at an event for SheTalks about two months ago. From the moment I heard her beautiful accent and looked into her gorgeous eyes I actually loved her. I mean truly loved her as one human spirit to another. Like our mutual friends Caroline and Shilpa, Charis is one of those rare gems you come across but once in a life time. I’m lucky in that I have so many rare gems in my beautiful female army.
Because of time and distance and life I do not get to spend as much time with these three women as I’d like and because of things I have been through I am not always as sensitive to the needs of those around me, but this post “Activism, Anger, and Refusing to Forgive My Rapist” actually caught me off guard and it pissed me off.
Caroline like myself is very open about her sexuality. In response to her tumblr blog she gets an awful lot of hatred. She gets called a whore, told she’s going to hell. She gets called names and told she should be ashamed of her open sexuality and her desires.
That right there is what is wrong with the world. Charis my beloved sweet angel of a girl. The next time you are told you -must- forgive your rapist because it will make you feel better, please please sweet girl look them in the face and tell them to fuck off.
When people say “you need to forgive so you can let go of the pain” what they are really saying is “yeah I get it, you’re in pain and I don’t actually care enough to watch it, listen to it or see it any more so let it go already so you can move on and we can get back to talking about me now”. I know this because we are truly selfish creatures. Humans are the most selfish people on the plane.
I have to this day not forgiven my rapist. I have not forgiven him for murdering my son, I have not forgiven him for taking away my chance or my desire to have children. I have not nor will I ever forgive him for getting another woman pregnant and giving their son the same mine would have had.
I have let go of the pain he caused me however. I have learned that it was by embracing my pain, and understanding that it was a truly deeply seeded part of my very being and existence that I was able to let go of that pain.
The pain of losing my son before my child had a chance to take his first breath, the pain I feel every time I step on my left foot the wrong way, or every time I feel the pain in the small of my back that he caused when he threw me down the stairs – these are all memories that made me who I am today.
These pains remind me how strong I am. They remind me of who I am and why I fight every day to keep my life – why I don’t just cut my wrists or hang myself though the thoughts are often there.
They remind me why I am working so hard on this new writing project. Why I have made the switch from helping youth to now trying to inspire adult women to realize that just because we have been raped and abused does not mean that we should not enjoy our sexuality and the very act of sex.
So no beautiful girl you do not -need- to forgive your rapist. You need to follow your heart. If holding onto your pain is what you need to do than we will all be here to hold you while you do it. If you need to go out into the middle of nowhere and scream until your heart breaks and you want to pound your feet and fists into the ground then we will go with you.
If you need to sit by the beach sharing a glass of wine alone, or with other like minded souls then we will be here. The only thing you “need” to do is follow your heart.
It has taken me ten years (I was 23 and I only just recently turned 33) to embrace my sexuality, to let myself believe that not all men are assholes, that not all men hit and abuse.
This does not mean that I will not be diligent and careful, that I will not tell my friends where I am going when I go out on a date, but nor does it mean that I will allow myself to continue to hide in shame and regret because something that was not my fault happened to me at some point in my life.
To all of you, who have been broken and abused the next time someone tells you that you “have to” do anything with your pain look them in the eye and tell them they can accept that you will do so when you are ready, or they can walk and not look back.
When we say we love unconditionally we don’t mean to say “we’ll love you as long as you are perfect and unbroken and unbruised and so long as you don’t try to take from us” Love is unconditional. It is unending an unbending. Once you give love, once you open your heart and cherish it then you must not try to put limitations on that very same love.
And to anyone telling my dear Charis what she “MUST” do, because it is what YOU want her to do, shut the fuck up and mind your own god damn p’s and q’s.
There is always going to be someone in this world, in your life, that will be ignorant and mean, but you pave your own roads, with BLIND love. With TRUE Love, loving one human spirit after another, and let the mean awful selfish black souls destroy themselves. Don’t let them have power over you because frankly my darling, they haven’t earned it!
Te Amo Dolly